Should I Stop Correcting My Mother and Just Love Her?
Answered by Ustadha Shazia Ahmad
Question
I want to get to Paradise with my parents. I love them very much even though they have faults. I want to help my mom improve her relationships. It’s hard for her to forgive someone until they apologize. When she’s upset with someone, she uses mean facial expressions or slams the door. These make it difficult for me to mend things with her.
Am I wrong to focus so much on correcting her? Should I say sorry every time and only give her love? I don’t want to be impolite or hurtful. I have a toddler too, so I understand that mothers need love, patience, and less reprimand. Am I right?
Answer
I am sorry that you are dealing with so much pain and hardship with your mother; I suggest you strike a balance between love and counsel.
Commanding the Right
One of the unique qualities of our Umma (Muslim nation) is that Allah instructs us to command the right and forbid the wrong. At the same time, we are instructed to show goodness to parents. So how does one balance the two?
The Prophet (Allah bless him and give him peace) said, “By the One in Whose hand is my soul, you must certainly command the good and forbid evil, or else a punishment from Him would soon be sent upon you, after which you would call upon Him yet your supplication (dua) would not be answered.” [Tirmidhi]
And Allah Most High has told us, “For your Lord has decreed that you worship none but Him. And honor your parents. If one or both of them reach old age in your care, never say to them ˹even˺ ‘ugh,’ nor yell at them. Rather, address them respectfully.” [Quran, 17:23]
Patience
The best way to deal with parents, especially if they are narcissists, is patience. There are several ways to correct parents without doing it directly, as direct condemnation is not usually taken well.
Steps
- Be a role model. Forgive others; tell her about forgiveness from our religion.
- Teach your child lessons about forgiveness in front of your mother so she hears it too.
- Try to register her for a religion course, Prophetic Sira or Quran. Knowledge and company always change a person.
- Build a bond with her so that when she thinks of you, the overwhelming thought is how much she loves you.
- When you visit her, do valuable things for her and serve her so that your actions overshadow anything you say to her.
- Last but not least, make dua for her improvement.
- And sometimes, stay silent, as silence speaks a thousand words.
- Apologize sometimes to be the bigger person, even if you are right, but don’t make it a habit, as this will feed her ego and blind her to what is right.
Please see these links as well:
How Can I Deal With My Difficult Mother in a Respectful Way?
How Can I Guide My Parents to the Right Path?
May Allah give you the best of this world and the next.
[Ustadha] Shazia Ahmad
Checked and Approved by Shaykh Faraz Rabbani
Ustadha Shazia Ahmad lived in Damascus, Syria for two years where she studied aqida, fiqh, tajweed, tafsir, and Arabic. She then attended the University of Texas at Austin, where she completed her Masters in Arabic. Afterward, she moved to Amman, Jordan where she studied fiqh, Arabic, and other sciences. She later moved back to Mississauga, Canada, where she lives with her family.
