Should I Tell a Girl That I Stopped Talking to about Marriage That It May Not Work Out?
Answered by Ustadha Shazia Ahmad
Question
I approached a girl for marriage during college, and we both spoke to our families to inform them that we wanted to move forward. However, my parents disagreed, citing I was too young and could not support a family. I informed her of this, and we stopped talking, but we made the intention to try again in the future.
I feel like I have made a mistake telling her this because I do not know if my parent will accept her in the future. I do not want to hurt her or string her along. I have made istikhara over whether or not to rescind what I said, but have not seen any positive or negative signs. It has been over a year, and I still feel the same way as I did before. I want to make sure to do what is right in this situation.
Answer
Thank you for your question. I empathize with your confusion, and I commend you for your honesty with her, I don’t think she will find fault in you for that.
Prophetic Advice
The Prophet (Allah bless him and give him peace), said, “A woman may be married for four things: her wealth, her lineage, her beauty, and her religious commitment. Seek the one who is religiously committed, may your hands be rubbed with dust (i.e., may you prosper).” [Muslim] This hadith applies to both genders. Please be sure that if you choose this girl, you are choosing her for the right reasons and that her religiousness is given priority.
Istikhara
I feel that your istikhara is telling you not to do or say anything and let things happen naturally. Communicate openly with your parents when the time is right. If you find that they really won’t change their minds and there is no room for compromise, you will have to walk away, as it is not wise to marry without their consent. Be prepared for this, and don’t get more emotionally attached than you are now. It will just make it harder. Marriage should be a joyous occasion where both families welcome the spouse with open arms. Aim to find someone that fits the criteria for you and your parents, and make endless dua at blessed times for this. In sha’ Allah, you will not be disappointed.
Please see these links as well:
- How to Explain the Advantages of Marrying Young to My Family?
- How Do I Convince My Mother to Let Me Marry While I Am Studying?
- What Can I Do if My Parents Do Not Accept the Person I Want to Marry?
- What to Do When My Parents Reject My Choice of Spouse Because of Cultural Reasons?
- Reader on Parents Rejecting Suitors for Marriage
May Allah give you the best of this world and the next.
[Ustadha] Shazia Ahmad
Checked and Approved by Shaykh Faraz Rabbani
Ustadha Shazia Ahmad lived in Damascus, Syria, for two years, where she studied aqidah, fiqh, tajweed, tafsir, and Arabic. She then attended the University of Texas at Austin and completed her Master’s in Arabic. Afterward, she moved to Amman, Jordan, where she studied fiqh, Arabic, and other sciences. She later moved back to Mississauga, Canada, where she lives with her family.
