Answered by Ustadha Raidah Shah Idil
Question: Assalam aleykum,
Can a you fear or hate your father because of some bad opinions your mother taught you from a young age?
Answer: Assalamualaykum wa rahmatullahi wa barakatuh,
I pray this finds you well. May Allah reward you for reaching out to us.
This is a difficult situation. I pray that Allah grants you a complete healing. I am sorry that your mother has turned your heart against your father. This often happens when there is spousal abuse.
As Anse Tamara Gray described – the Prophetic family is kind. Please strive to view your father through the lens of kindness, despite his many mistakes.
Please wake up in the last third of the night and perform The Prayer of Need. Read Qur’an as regularly as you can, and reflect on its deep meanings. Think about the deeply troubled family of Nabi Yusuf (upon him be peace), and how Allah healed them all.
Listen to podcasts such as Content of Character to teach you how to beautify your character.
I encourage you to enrol in and complete the Excellence with Parents: How to Fulfill the Rights of Your Parents.
Please strive to understand the rank of parents, even the ones who make terrible mistakes and wrong their children.
Make dua for him after every fardh prayer, and give in charity in his name. Give him gifts. Do everything in your power to heal your opinion of him.
It is difficult to cherish a father who was been demonised, either through his own actions or actions of others, but it is still important to treat him with respect. When you treat someone with kindness and respect for the sake of Allah, then He can bestow true affection in your heart.
I encourage you to look into Neurolinguistic Programming (NLP) as a way of changing the way you feel and think about your father. Trauma can take time to heal. Consider seeing a culturally-sensitive counsellor.
Hakim Archuletta and Peter Levine are also excellent resources for trauma recovery. Hakim Archuletta teaches at the Zawiyah retreat in Rosales. I encourage you to save up and go, and consider this a beginning in your journey towards healing.
[Ustadha] Raidah Shah Idil
Checked & Approved by Shaykh Faraz Rabbani
Ustadha Raidah Shah Idil has spent almost two years in Amman, Jordan, where she learned Shafi’i’ fiqh, Arabic, Seerah, Aqeedah, Tasawwuf, Tafsir and Tajweed. She continues to study with her Teachers in Malaysia and online through SeekersHub Global. She graduated with a Psychology and English degree from University of New South Wales, was a volunteer hospital chaplain for 5 years and has completed a Diploma of Counselling from the Australian Institute of Professional Counsellors. She lives in Kuala Lumpur, Malaysia, with her husband, daughter, and mother-in-law.