Answered by Ustadha Raidah Shah Idil
Question: Assalam aleykum,
I am a young woman who is currently in college. Whenever my mother tells me someone is interested in marrying me, it is always someone outside of my country. I always think no, automatically, and I become upset whenever marriage topic is brought up. I don’t know why, part of me wants to get married but a larger part of me is afraid. Alhamdulilah my parents will not force me into marriage, but I know that they get a little upset.
Should I go against my own personal judgement and agree with my parents?
Assalamualaykum wa rahmatullahi wa barakatuh,
I pray this finds you well. May Allah reward you for reaching out to us.
It is natural for you to fear the unknown, especially as marriage is a huge step.
What exactly are you afraid of? Often, naming our fears helps us get through them.
Do you feel negative about the thought of marriage in general, or are you afraid of something specific? What kind of marriage do your parents have? If it is a difficult one, then your fears are understandable. Take comfort in knowing that with sincere dua and effort, you can still have a successful marriage. If they your parents have a happy marriage, then alhamdulilah, you have a wonderful example to draw from.
Think of creative ways to work through your fear. Paint, sketch, journal, write poetry, free-write, and so on.
Please do your research. Read books such as Before You Tie the Knot: A Guide for Couples and Before the Wedding: Questions for Muslims to Ask Before Getting Married. Speak to your happily married friends.
Learn how to trust your intuition. You will need to trust your gut when you meet prospective suitors.
Rest assured that intercultural marriages can be a beautiful thing, and a source of growth and strength.
In the meantime, live your life well, and in a God-centered way. Be of service to your parents, your extended family, give in charity, make sincere
Supplications for a spouse
You may recite the following supplications for a spouse anytime,
رَبَّنَا هَبْ لَنَا مِنْ أَزْوَاجِنَا وَذُرِّيَّاتِنَا قُرَّةَ أَعْيُنٍ وَاجْعَلْنَا لِلْمُتَّقِينَ إِمَاماً
‘Our Lord! Grant unto us spouses and offspring who will be the comfort of our eyes, and give us (the grace) to lead the righteous.’ [Qur’an, 25:74]
رَبِّ إِنِّي لِمَا أَنزَلْتَ إِلَيَّ مِنْ خَيْرٍ فَقِيرٌ
‘My lord, I am in absolute need of the good You send me’ [Qur’an, 28:24]
Excerpt from Should I Rely on Allah to Send Me My Marriage Partner?.
I encourage you to pour out your fears and sorrow to Allah Most High. Please perform the Prayer of Need.
Your parents want eternal good for you. I encourage you to start an honest conversation with them about how you feel fearful about getting married. They are on your side.
May Allah relieve your worries and send you a loving and righteous husband when the time is right.
Love, Marriage and Relationships in Islam: All Your Questions Answered
A Reader on Patience and Reliance on Allah
Selected Prophetic Prayers for Spiritual, Physical and Emotional Wellbeing by Chaplain Ibrahim Long
[Ustadha] Raidah Shah Idil
Checked & Approved by Shaykh Faraz Rabbani
Ustadha Raidah Shah Idil has spent almost two years in Amman, Jordan, where she learned Shafi’i’ fiqh, Arabic, Seerah, Aqeedah, Tasawwuf, Tafsir and Tajweed. She continues to study with her Teachers in Malaysia and online through SeekersHub Global. She graduated with a Psychology and English degree from University of New South Wales, was a volunteer hospital chaplain for 5 years and has completed a Diploma of Counselling from the Australian Institute of Professional Counsellors. She lives in Kuala Lumpur, Malaysia, with her husband, daughter, and mother-in-law.