Answered by Ustadha Shazia Ahmad
What can I do if my father refuses to get to know the person I would like to marry just because he has a different nationality? I have already been talking to other family members who are closer to him and who could mediate so that my father at least agrees to get to know him. Unfortunately, this didn’t help at all! I don’t have anyone else who could serve as my mahram so that I could marry. I really don’t know what I can do anymore.
Thank you for your follow-up question. I am sorry that you are frustrated with your father’s rigidness. I pray that you can come to a compromise and marry who is best for you.
Your father is the one whose permission you need to marry because he is alive and you are his charge. Even if you had brothers or a grandfather, he is still the first in line to marry you off. I know that seems difficult, but try to separate yourself emotionally from the young man that you want to marry and be ready to accept any outcome.
Your first option is to try and convince your dad, even if it takes a while. Has he come over with a formal proposal? Have him and his family come over with a formal proposal as it will show him that he is serious. If he doesn’t officially propose, your parents will not see how important this is to him. Supplicate to Allah to open your father’s heart and pray for this before dawn when dua (supplication) is readily accepted.
We are told in this prophetic hadith: “When half of the night or two-third of it is over, Allah, the Blessed and the Exalted, descends to the lowest heaven and says, ‘Is there any beggar, so that he be given? Is there any supplicator so that he be answered? Is there any beggar of forgiveness so that he be forgiven? ‘(And Allah continues it saying) till it is daybreak. “[Muslim]
Your second option is that, realistically, you might have to walk away and mend your heart. You didn’t get attached to him in a day and you won’t get over it in a day. You may or may not end up with him, but you must be patient and accept Allah’s decree as He knows what is best for you. It will be painful, but time and dhikr (remembrance of Allah) can heal a broken heart. Take a look at these tips:
A broken heart might be inevitable, and I don’t want you to continue any relationship with him. Keep your distance and stay within the limits of gender interaction. Communicating with him after this will only cause bigger problems, and you may be wasting your time as you don’t know how you will end up. See these links for more info:
In the meanwhile, busy yourself with good and prepare yourself for marriage. You must know your personally obligatory fiqh and your rights and obligations within marriage in order to embark on this journey. This will give you clarity and ease whatever situation you end up in. Make Allah your primary intention and trust that the next thing will have barakah in it:
Given the considerations in such cases, we urge you to please consult reliable local scholars or counselors about the specifics of the situation. Jazakum Allah khayr. May Allah facilitate all ease and good for you.
May Allah give you the best of this world and the next.
[Ustadha] Shazia Ahmad
Checked and Approved by Shaykh Faraz Rabbani
Ustadha Shazia Ahmad lived in Damascus, Syria, for two years, where she studied aqidah, fiqh, tajweed, Tafseer, and Arabic. She then attended the University of Texas at Austin, where she completed her Master’s in Arabic. Afterward, she moved to Amman, Jordan, where she studied fiqh, Arabic, and other sciences. She recently moved back to Mississauga, Canada, where she lives with her family.