Why Did My Parents Reject My Potential Suitor?

Question: I am 18 years old, and I want to marry a recently reverted and practising man, whom I believe is the best suitor for me. When my mother found out, she told me if I did marry him, I would never be allowed to go to her funeral, and she will never talk to me again. My mother is currently divorced and she believes I should marry within my caste. She is strongly against this, but I cannot marry anyone else. How do I do this?

Answer:

Assalamu alaykum,

Thank you for your question. First, please see these answers about marrying someone in a different caste:
https://seekersguidance.org/answers/general-counsel/do-i-have-to-marry-someone-within-my-caste-to-please-my-family/
https://seekersguidance.org/answers/general-counsel/should-the-decision-for-marriage-be-taken-only-considering-somebodys-caste/

Istikhara

The single most useful and trustworthy method for making big decisions is the Prayer of Seeking Guidance (Istikhara). Forget about your parents for a minute and ask yourself whether you followed the Prophetic advice. The Messenger of Allah, Allah bless him and grant him peace,  said, “A woman is married for four reasons: for her wealth, her lineage, her beauty, and her religious inclination, choose the one who is religious (or) you will be ruined.” [Bukhari & Muslim]

I pray that you do not take this gift for granted and ask Allah if this man is right for you and worth pursuing. On what basis have you chosen him?  Is it looks or love? Is it religion? If you feel that you have followed the Prophetic advice, please pray your Istikhara with the etiquette mentioned in these links and go from there:
https://seekersguidance.org/answers/hanafi-fiqh/istikhara-the-prayer-of-seeking-guidance/
https://seekersguidance.org/articles/general-artices/the-reality-of-istikhara/

Keep At It

Once you have prayed it, and if you have found it positive to keep trying, you must face your mother ask her to compromise. I know it is difficult, but try to read her and see if she will ever budge. You could wait it out, or you could get a third party to speak to them, such as a relative, imam, or elder. Try to have her meet him, and let her judge him for herself. Tell her that your Istikhara is positive, and ask her to pray it too. Explain to her that religion is the most important criteria and you need her to support you. Perhaps she needs time, or perhaps she needs coaxing. Be gentle and kind with her and press on as long as you feel is right.

Keep in mind that your mother’s permission is not needed for you to marry, only your father’s permission is needed. Please judge your situation accordingly with wisdom and tact. Please see this link:
https://seekersguidance.org/answers/shafii-fiqh/can-mother-force-marry-someone/

Or Walk Away

Your mother loves you and wishes for your well-being. Clearly, her coming from a divorced background is affecting her decision, and she does not want you to end up the same way. If she does not come around or she is getting more stubborn with time, it would be a clear sign that you need to walk away and let her have her way. Ask Allah to help you heal and time will help. In the future, try not to become emotionally attached to any person because heartbreak is difficult to endure, and this is the wisdom behind the rulings of gender interaction, even when considering someone for marriage. Read this du’as to help you through this:
https://seekersguidance.org/articles/general-artices/selected-prophetic-prayers-for-spiritual-physical-and-emotional-wellbeing-by-chaplain-ibrahim-long/

Ask Allah

Turn to Allah during this difficult time, and ask Him to help you do the right thing. Be the best Muslim that you can be by praying all your prayers on time and reading a bit of Qur’an with the meaning every day. Make sincere du`a to him to guide you and pray the Prayer of Need.

Caste is a big problem in the sub-continent and I pray that Muslims can understand Allah’s words, “Surely the noblest of you in the sight of Allah is the most righteous among you. Allah is truly All-Knowing, All-Aware.” [Qur’an 49:13]
Although compatibility is a factor in marriage (kafa’ah), caste is not, see the details here:
https://seekersguidance.org/answers/hanafi-fiqh/are-the-islamic-rulings-regarding-marriage-racist/

Learn and Prepare

If your mother agrees, or even if you find someone else, the best thing that you can do for yourself and your marriage is to take a free course at Seekers about marriage. Learn your rights and responsibilities and intend to uphold an Islamic marriage:
https://seekersguidance.org/courses/marriage-in-islam-practical-guidance-for-successful-marriage/

[Ustadha] Shazia Ahmad

Checked and Approved by Shaykh Faraz Rabbani

Ustadha Shazia Ahmad lived in Damascus, Syria for two years where she studied aqidah, fiqh, tajweed, tafseer, and Arabic. She then attended the University of Texas at Austin, where she completed her Masters in Arabic. Afterward, she moved to Amman, Jordan where she studied fiqh, Arabic, and other sciences. She recently moved back to Mississauga, Canada, where she lives with her family.