How Should I Deal with a Potential Husband Who Feels Unworthy?

Answered by Ustadha Shazia Ahmad

Question

I would like to seek counsel about marriage.

There is a man that I find compatible and compliant with regard to the characteristics of choosing a suitable spouse. I have made istikhara about whether we will be good for each other. He is also praying about this.

However, he says that he strongly feels that I would be good for him as a spouse but he isn’t convinced that he will fulfill me or be good enough for me. He suffers from anxiety and has been hurt in the past. We have both prayed about this and I strongly feel that he is more than suitable based on his character, deen, and compatibility.

What is your advice on this?

Answer

First, let me commend you that you have chosen to complete half of your religion and have prayed istikhara about the suitor that you are considering. Anything done for the sake of Allah, in the manner that pleases Him, Allah will bless, in sha Allah.

Waswasa

It sounds to me like your potential spouse is having baseless misgivings (waswasa) and low self-confidence. Tell him that if he has prayed istikhara to his Lord and has been given guidance, it is very bad manners (adab) to ignore it. He must act on what he has been given and ignore any feelings of low self-worth or self-esteem. Allah is telling him what to do, not asking him to doubt.

Qualities of a Man

A man should command authority, show strength, have firm decision-making, and be kind and respectful. He should be smart, supportive, clear, patient, and brave. He should never articulate that he doesn’t feel good enough. This is one of the devil’s tricks (Shaytan) to prevent a happy marriage for Allah’s sake.

I would recommend that you proceed to get married. Take a course together on marriage and personally obligatory knowledge and you will both find that you better fulfill each other’s rights.

Course Suggestions:
40 Hadiths on Successful Marriage: Key Teachings of the Prophet on Beautiful, Loving, Caring Married Life
Marriage in Islam: Practical Guidance for Successful Marriage
Keys to Successful Muslim Marriages: Practical lessons that explain the Prophetic Spirit of Marriage

Reader Suggestion:
Love, Marriage, and Relationships in Islam: All Your Questions Answered

Book Suggestions:
Chapman, G: Five Love Languages Revised Edition
The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work
Handbook of a Healthy Muslim Marriage

[Ustadha] Shazia Ahmad
Checked and Approved by Shaykh Faraz Rabbani

Ustadha Shazia Ahmad lived in Damascus, Syria for two years where she studied aqida, fiqh, tajweed, tafsir, and Arabic. She then attended the University of Texas at Austin, where she completed her Masters in Arabic. Afterward, she moved to Amman, Jordan where she studied fiqh, Arabic, and other sciences. She later moved back to Mississauga, Canada, where she lives with her family.