Answered by Ustadha Shazia Ahmad

Question: Assalamu alaykum

I am talking with a girl for five years. We are attached to one another; she is very important in my life . I have expressed my love to her many times and want to marry her. We speak with good manners and never cross limits. She however doesn’t respond to my love, but yet never leaves my side. Due to her annoying behaviour I tried to be distant from her many times but we always connect again. I always doubt her but later, I find myself with her again. I cry over her and suffer because I love her so much. She never acknowledges it, yet remains with me and talks with me. She doesn’t love me the way I want.

Answer: Assalamu alaykum brother,

I empathize with the pain and suffering that you are going through because of this girl. It can’t be easy for you to be so attached to her without having any imminent future with her.

First, I urge you to repent (tawba) for getting so close to this sister. The Prophet, may Allah bless him and give him peace, said, “[…]The zina of the eyes is looking, the zina of the tongue is speaking, one may wish and desire, and the private parts confirm that or deny it.” [Bukhari]

The only thing that is permissible and is common sense is for you to take steps to marry her, or forget about her completely. First, does she pray and fast? Does she cover and eat only the halal (permissible)? You can not consider someone for marriage who is not performing her obligations to Allah first. The Prophet, may Allah bless him and give him peace, said, “A woman is married for four things, i.e., her wealth, her family status, her beauty and her religion. So you should marry the religious woman, may your hands be rubbed with dust (may you prosper). [Bukhari]

Second, pray Istikhara: The Prayer of Seeking Guidance, asking Allah whether you should pursue marriage with her. Pray for seven days, and especially in the last third of the night (before dawn). You should cut off all communication with her while you do this. You need to have a clear head and not be distracted.

If you feel positive about it, go straight to her parents and ask for her hand in marriage. Bypass her completely. Five years is enough time for her to consider her answer.

If you feel negative about it, then do take steps to cut her out of your life. She has been toying with you all this time, enjoying you lust after her and allowing you to get emotionally attached, making your heart grow fond of her, without making you a single promise in return. I don’t believe this is a God-fearing thing to do. Unfollow her on social media and delete her phone number. Return her efforts to contact you with resolve and determination to end it.

The Prophet, may Allah bless him and give him peace, said, “You will never leave something for the sake of Allah, but Allah will give you something better in return.“ [Ahmad] It is time for you to put your trust in the Most High and expect something magnificent instead. It may come from whence you don’t expect it.

May Allah bless you with a perfectly suited wife that will be a garment for you, and you a garment for her.

Following Istikhara in Pursuing Marriage

Wassalam,
[Ustadha] Shazia Ahmad

Ustadha Shazia Ahmad lived in Damascus, Syria for two years where she studied aqidah, fiqh, tajweed, tafseer and Arabic. She then attended the University of Texas at Austin, where she completed her Masters in Arabic. Afterwards, she moved to Amman, Jordan where she studied fiqh, Arabic and other sciences. She recently moved back to Mississauga, Canada, where she lives with her family.

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"Whoever guides someone to goodness will have a similar reward"-- The Prophet (Peace and Blessings Be Upon Him)