Answered by Ustadha Raidah Shah Idil
Question: Assalam aleykum,
If a marriage proposal comes from someone out of state, my mom automatically rejects it. I’ve never even had the opportunity to sit down with a single person that has asked for my hand. I won’t even find out a person has asked until days if not weeks after my mother has already rejected the proposal. I cannot take this anymore. What can I do?
Answer: Assalamualaykum wa rahmatullahi wa barakatuh,
I pray this finds you well. May Allah reward you for reaching out to us. Please forgive me for the delay.
It sounds like you need to have a calm discussion with your mother about your desire to get married. Many parents struggle to let go of their adult children. Explain to her that you feel ready to get married to the right person, and you want her love, blessings and support. Can you speak to your father about this too? Do you have aunties or any other respected elder in your family or community you can ask for support? Often, mothers respond better when another elder encourages them to listen to their children.
Ubadah b. al Samit said to his son: “Son! You will not get the taste of the reality of faith until you know that what has come to you could not miss you, and that what has missed you could not come to you. I heard the Messenger of Allah (upon him be blessings and peace say: The first thing Allah created was the pen. He said to it: Write. It asked: What should I write, my Lord? He said: Write what was decreed about everything till the Last Hour comes. Son! I heard the Messenger of Allah (upon him be blessings and peace) say: He who dies on something other than this does not belong to me. [Sunan Abi Dawud]
Dear sister, please know that whatever is destined for you will reach you, no matter what your mum does. When Allah wills, you will marry the man Allah has destined for you. Draw comfort from that, especially when you begin to get angry and upset at your mother.
Practice having a heart that smiles with Allah, no matter what is going around you. I encourage you to do breathing exercises when you start to feel angry at your mother. I also strongly encourage you to do this course Excellence with Parents: How to Fulfil the Rights of Your Parents to help you better understand the rank of your mother.
Narrated `Abdullah: I visited Allah’s Messenger (upon him be blessings and peace) while he was suffering from a high fever. I said, “O Allah’s Messenger (upon him be blessings and peace)! You have a high fever.” He said, “Yes, I have as much fever as two men of you.” I said, “Is it because you will have a double reward?” He said, “Yes, it is so. No Muslim is afflicted with any harm, even if it were the prick of a thorn, but that Allah expiates his sins because of that, as a tree sheds its leaves.” [Bukhari]
Your challenge is an incredible opportunity for heartfelt dua. Channel all of your strong feelings into the Prayer of Need, in the last third of the night. Allah is listening, and trust that He will answer you when the time is right.
I encourage you to do your due diligence before you get married. Do your research by doing the course Marriage in Islam: Practical Guidance for Successful Marriages and reading Before You Tie The Knot.
Read articles like these:
I encourage you to learn more about yourself, and what you believe you need in a partner. What is your parents’ marriage like? Know that what you saw growing up, both the good and the bad, will be your default in your own marriage.
Marriage is indeed a gift and a protection, but it also deeply emotional growth work. Think of it this way – your patience and diplomacy with your mother is excellent training for marriage, and for your interactions with your future in-laws.
I pray that Allah blesses you with the gift of a loving and righteous husband.
A Reader on Patience and Reliance on Allah
Love, Marriage and Relationships in Islam: All Your Questions Answered
Selected Prophetic Prayers for Spiritual, Physical and Emotional Wellbeing by Chaplain Ibrahim Long
[Ustadha] Raidah Shah Idil
Checked & Approved by Shaykh Faraz Rabbani
Ustadha Raidah Shah Idil has spent almost two years in Amman, Jordan, where she learned Shafi’i’ fiqh, Arabic, Seerah, Aqeedah, Tasawwuf, Tafsir and Tajweed. She continues to study with her Teachers in Malaysia and online through SeekersHub Global. She graduated with a Psychology and English degree from University of New South Wales, was a volunteer hospital chaplain for 5 years and has completed a Diploma of Counselling from the Australian Institute of Professional Counsellors. She lives in Kuala Lumpur, Malaysia, with her husband, daughter, and mother-in-law.