My Parents Refuse My Choice of Spouse Because He Is Married. What Do I Do?
Answered by Ustadha Raidah Shah Idil
Question
I want to marry a married man with 3 children and have been trying for 4 years to persuade my family to give me their blessings.
They refuse to because they say it is dangerous to marry a man who is already married. I don’t want to lose this man, nor do I want to disobey my parents. What do I do?
Answer
I pray this finds you well. May Allah reward you for reaching out to us.
Parents
Abdullah bin Amr narrated that: the Prophet (upon him blessings and peace) said: “The Lord’s pleasure is in the parent’s pleasure, and the Lord’s anger is in the parent’s anger.” [Tirmidhi]
Dear sister, I urge you to listen to your parents. They love you, know you, and want what is best for you.
It is also sinful to break their hearts by disregarding their advice.
Please do not waste any more years of your life on this man. You are young and have your whole life ahead of you.
Prayer
Please perform the Prayer of Guidance up to 7 times about ending your relationship. If Allah sends you clear signs that it is better for you to end your relationship, then please heed His advice e.g. your parents continue to say no. If Allah turns their hearts, then that is a sign that marriage to him is good for you e.g. your parents say yes.
Polygamy
In most cases, getting involved in polygamy is unwise. I know that you may believe your situation to be the exception. However, please consider this: often, men who are willing to take on another wife have problems in their first marriage and are unwilling and unable to solve them. A second wife may be a pleasant distraction for a time until the same problems arise in his second marriage. What happens then?
Can a Husband Marry a Second Wife Without His First Wife’s Permission?
Love
It takes far more than love to make a marriage thrive.
You already sound too emotionally attached to this man. Please take a break from him, gain some distance, and work on strengthening your connection to Allah instead. Please perform the Prayer of Need and beg Allah for a husband who would be pleasing to your parents.
Educate and empower yourself through courses such as Marriage in Islam:
Practical Guidance for Successful Marriages, lesson sets, and podcasts.
Trust in the wisdom and judgment of your parents. There is a tremendous blessing in looking after their hearts. I pray that through listening to your parents, Allah will bless you with the gift of a righteous and loving husband.
Please see:
Love, Marriage and Relationships in Islam: All Your Questions Answered
[Ustadha] Raidah Shah Idil
Checked and Approved by Shaykh Faraz Rabbani
Ustadha Raidah Shah Idil has spent almost two years in Amman, Jordan, where she learned Shafi’i’ fiqh, Arabic, Seerah, Aqeedah, Tasawwuf, Tafsir and Tajweed. She continues to study with her Teachers in Malaysia and online through SeekersHub Global. She graduated with a Psychology and English degree from University of New South Wales, was a volunteer hospital chaplain for 5 years and has completed a Diploma of Counselling from the Australian Institute of Professional Counsellors. She lives in Kuala Lumpur, Malaysia, with her husband, daughter, and mother-in-law.
