Answered by Ustadha Shazia Ahmad
I’m 24 years old; I have a fiance I will marry in a few months. We were having an inappropriate conversation a few days ago, which I admit was wrong, and my fiance said she wanted to make love with a Hollywood celebrity. I scolded her and told her that this was wrong of her because this was crossing a line, to which she said I get triggered by everything she says.
I’m confused. Is it wrong for me to react when she says such things? Is it way out of line? I share the responsibility of having an inappropriate conversation while engaged. What’s the advice for me? Should I only focus on improving myself?
Thank you for your question. May Allah reward you for having your heart in the right place.
Speaking of Sex
Speaking like this without a nikah is immoral and leads to more immorality. You should both repent for these conversations and have a nikah as soon as possible. Long engagements are not recommended for this reason.
Unsurprisingly, your illicit talk led to her illicit comment, and she was grossly inappropriate. You are not triggered; rather, you are correct. You are not sensitive; rather, you have a positive ghayra (protective jealousy). You are not old-fashioned; rather, you are God-fearing.
Heed the warning of the Prophet (Allah bless him and give him peace), who said, “Allah has decreed for every son of Adam his share of zina (fornication), which he will inevitably commit. The zina of the eyes is looking, the zina of the tongue is speaking, one may wish and desire, and the private parts confirm that or deny it.” [Bukhari & Muslim]
Turn to Allah
I urge you and your fiance to busy yourselves with what is good. Prepare yourself by taking a course on marriage, reviewing personally obligatory fiqh, honing your skill sets for marriage, and learning conflict resolution. Serve your parents, work to save money, volunteer for others, get healthy and in shape, and use your time well until the big day.
The Prophet (Allah bless him and give him peace) said, “Take advantage of five before five: your youth before your old age, your health before your illness, your riches before your poverty, your free time before your work, and your life before your death.” [Bayhaqi]
Please see these links and courses:
The Protective Jealousy (Ghayra) of Spouses
How Can I Overcome My Jealousy and Purify My Heart?
40 Hadiths on Successful Marriage: Key Teachings of the Prophet on Beautiful, Loving, Caring Married Life
Marriage in Islam: Practical Guidance for Successful Marriage
Keys to Successful Muslim Marriages: Practical lessons that explain the Prophetic Spirit of Marriage
Excellence with Parents: How to Fulfill the Rights of Your Parents.
May Allah give you the best of this world and the next.
[Ustadha] Shazia Ahmad
Checked and Approved by Shaykh Faraz Rabbani
Ustadha Shazia Ahmad lived in Damascus, Syria, for two years, where she studied aqidah, fiqh, tajweed, Tafseer, and Arabic. She then attended the University of Texas at Austin, where she completed her Master’s in Arabic. Afterward, she moved to Amman, Jordan, where she studied fiqh, Arabic, and other sciences. She recently moved back to Mississauga, Canada, where she lives with her family.