Answered by Ustadha Raidah Shah Idil
Question: I was reluctant to marry my second husband but I did so to please my family. He blames me for miscarrying on purpose.
He has many character flaws such as smoking, watching pornography and we’re always arguing. Because my current husband and him threaten each other, I haven’t been able to see my children of my previous husband for a couple of months. I’m really sad. Because I asked for divorce from current husband, my family has disowned me. What do I do?
Answer: Assalamualaykum wa rahmatullahi wa barakatuh,
May Allah reward you for reaching out for help.
I am so sorry that you’ve been through so much pain. May Allah grant you ease. Dear sister, I am very concerned about your spiritual, emotional and physical health
Your husband sounds like he is controlling you and causing you so many levels of harm. Your home does not sound like a safe place for you, let alone an innocent baby.
Allah Most High says: “And so many a moving (living) creature there is, that carries not its own provision! Allah provides for it and for you. And He is the All-Hearer, the All-Knower.” [Qur’an, 29:60]
Having children is part of the Decree of Allah. Your miscarriages are not your fault. You have already given birth to two children from your previous marriage, alhamdulilah, and I pray that Allah makes a way for you to see them.
Narrated Anas: Allah’s Messenger (upon him be blessings and peace) said, “Help your brother, whether he is an oppressor or he is an oppressed one. People asked, “O Allah’s Messenger (upon him be blessings and peace)! It is all right to help him if he is oppressed, but how should we help him if he is an oppressor?” The Prophet (upon him be blessings and peace) said, “By preventing him from oppressing others.” [Bukhari]
Your husband is behaving like a tyrant. This needs to stop. You and your husband are in desperate need of a culturally-sensitive marital counsellor. If he does not want to attend, then please see a counsellor on your own. Your sanity is at stake here, and you need to do everything you can to stay well.
“The Messenger of Allah sent Mu’adh [bin Jabal] to Yemen, and said: ‘Beware of the supplication of the oppressed; for indeed there is no barrier between it and Allah.’ [Tirmidhi]
Please pour out your sorrow to Allah. He knows your pain. Please perform the Prayer of Need every day and ask Allah to ease your tribulation.
When registration reopens, please enrol in Islamic Marriage: Guidance for Successful Marriage and Married Life. Please do this course as way of helping you understand what a successful, loving and healthy Islamic marriage is supposed to be. I pray that Allah helps you experience a loving and tranquil marriage in this life.
Please perform the Prayer of Guidance up til seven times about how to move forward. If Allah softens your husband’s heart and makes him easier to live with, then that is a sign for you to stay and work on your marriage. If your husband continues to hurt and control you, then that is a sign for you to leave.
Do everything in your power to save you marriage. Ask a local scholar or community elder for help, if you have one available. If there is none, or if your husband refuses to give you a divorce, then you can opt for khula’ (separation). It is better for you to be alone instead of trapped in a marriage which harms your physical, spiritual and emotional health.
I am so sorry that your family has disowned you. May Allah soften their hearts.
There is no shame in being divorced, and you have done well by recognising that your marriage is a toxic one. Even though divorce is the most hated permissible action to Allah, in your case, it can be a tremendous mercy. We are not on this earth to get married, or to have children. We have been created to worship Allah, in the way He chooses for us.
Who else do you have to call for support? Please reach out to trusted friends
If your husband monitors your movements and does not let you go anywhere without him, then please look for online support groups or Skype counselling.
As an option, please look at the Hypnosis Download website and look for a recording that will help you heal.
Dear sister, you are not alone. Allah is with you. When He wills, He can grant you lasting ease.
We are here at SeekersHub to serve you. Please keep in touch, and let us know how you are coping.
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My Husband is Abusive, Irresponsible, and Doesn’t Practice Islam
A Reader on Patience and Reliance on Allah
Checked & Approved by Shaykh Faraz Rabbani