What Should I Do About Being in Love but Not Being Ready for Marriage?
Answered by Ustadha Shazia Ahmad
Question
I am interested in a guy, and we have been dating, but we have stayed within our limits. We don’t go out alone, and we have limited physical contact, but we are still considered to be together. I feel guilty as I believe I am sinning, and I ask Allah for forgiveness. We are too young to get married right now, but we have the intention of marriage. I really like him and want to marry him, but I feel guilty towards Allah, and I don’t know what to do. What do you think about all this and what do you think I should do?
Answer
Thank you for your question. May Allah reward you for keeping some limits and know your guilt is a sign of true faith and sincerity.
Relationship
You mention that you have kept limits, but that the two of you are dating. You must stop this relationship immediately, cease all contact with him, and tell him that you will be ready to say yes when he comes with his family and proposes to your father. There is no relationship at all until a nikah, and you should iron out the timing with both families, even if you just get engaged first. If he truly takes you seriously, he will respect that you are taking the Islamic stance on this, and he will hasten to ready himself for a proposal.
Please see these links to understand the limits before a nikah:
What are the gender interaction limits before our nikah?
How Long Is It Permissible To Date a Person Before the Nikah?
Istikhara
In the meantime, make sure you take the means to decide whether he really is the right one for you. Heed the advice of the Prophet (Allah bless him and give him peace), who said, “A woman is married for four things: for her wealth, for her lineage, for her beauty or her piety. Select the pious, or your hands will be covered in dust!” [Bukhari & Muslim] Pray istikhara genuinely and follow its outcome. Also, in the meanwhile, ready yourself for marriage by taking a course on marital obligations and rights, and picking up skill sets that will help you as a wife and partner.
[Ustadha] Shazia Ahmad
Checked and Approved by Shaykh Faraz Rabbani
Ustadha Shazia Ahmad lived in Damascus, Syria, for two years, where she studied aqidah, fiqh, tajweed, Tafseer, and Arabic. She then attended the University of Texas at Austin, where she completed her Master’s in Arabic. Afterward, she moved to Amman, Jordan, where she studied fiqh, Arabic, and other sciences. She recently moved back to Mississauga, Canada, where she lives with her family.
