How Can I Balance Modesty and Seeking Marriage?
Hanafi Fiqh
Answered by Shaykh Faraz Rabbani
Question
For many years, I have tried to lower my gaze strictly and literally. Now, at 41 and unmarried, I find normal eye contact difficult.
I worry that I may have avoided a lawful means by which many Muslims meet. This troubles me. What is the right balance?
Answer
In the Name of Allah, the Benevolent, the Merciful.
May Allah reward you for your years of sincere care for His command. This is a treasure with Allah, not a mistake. Nothing of it is lost with Him.
Lowering the gaze (ghadd al-basar) means restraining the eye from what is unlawful. This includes lustful looks, lingering or repeated gazes, and looking at what is not permitted.
Allah Most High says, “Tell believing men to lower and restrain their looks, and keep chaste their private parts; that is purer for them.” [Quran 24:30]
Lowering the gaze does not mean shutting the world out. It does not mean treating every functional, dignified glance in work, study, or a purposeful conversation toward marriage as a sin.
A brief, modest, and intentional look for a legitimate need is not the prohibited gaze.
You may meet a prospective spouse or interact in lawful affairs with normal, composed eye contact and a guarded heart. The standard is the intention of the heart and avoiding desire-driven looking, not avoiding all contact.
Taking proper means to marry, such as speaking with families, trusted matchmakers, reputable services, and dignified conversation with a potential spouse, is recommended and fully compatible with modesty.
Let go of any guilt. You did not sin by being cautious, and you do not sin now by engaging lawful means with a sound intention. Make a sincere dua. Take real and dignified steps. Trust in Allah’s timing.
Allah Most High says, “Whoever fears Allah, He grants him a way out, and provides for him whence he could not even guess.” [Quran 65:2–3]
[Shaykh] Faraz Rabbani
Related SeekersGuidance Answers
- When is it obligatory to lower one’s gaze? — What lowering the gaze actually requires: the Sunna versus obligation, limits of nakedness, and the difference between seeing and looking.
- How Should I Approach Getting Married? — Approaching marriage with reliance on Allah while taking means: getting to know a prospect within the limits of gender interaction.
- What Are the Appropriate Boundaries Between Men and Women? — Modest interaction between men and women: lowering the gaze, avoiding seclusion and physical contact, and permissible interaction for legitimate needs.
Shaykh Faraz Rabbani is a recognized specialist scholar in the Islamic sciences, having studied under leading scholars from around the world. He is the Founder and Executive Director of SeekersGuidance.
Shaykh Faraz stands as a distinguished figure in Islamic scholarship. His journey in seeking knowledge is marked by dedication and depth. He spent ten years studying under some of the most revered scholars of our times. His initial studies took place in Damascus. He then continued in Amman, Jordan.
In Damascus, he was privileged to learn from the late Shaykh Adib al-Kallas. Shaykh Adib al-Kallas was renowned as the foremost theologian of his time. Shaykh Faraz also studied under Shaykh Hassan al-Hindi in Damascus. Shaykh Hassan is recognized as one of the leading Hanafi jurists of our era.
Upon completing his studies, Shaykh Faraz returned to Canada in 2007. His return marked a new chapter in his service to the community. He founded SeekersGuidance. The organization reflects his commitment to spreading Islamic knowledge. It aims to be reliable, relevant, inspiring, and accessible. This mission addresses both online and on-the-ground needs.
Shaykh Faraz is also an accomplished author. His notable work includes “Absolute Essentials of Islam: Faith, Prayer, and the Path of Salvation According to the Hanafi School.” This book, published by White Thread Press in 2004, is a significant contribution to Islamic literature.
His influence extends beyond his immediate community. Since 2011, Shaykh Faraz has been recognized as one of the 500 most influential Muslims. This recognition comes from the Royal Islamic Strategic Studies Center. It underscores his impact on the global Islamic discourse.
Shaykh Faraz Rabbani’s life and work embody a profound commitment to Islamic scholarship. His teachings continue to enlighten and guide seekers of knowledge worldwide.
