Answered by Ustadha Shazia Ahmad
My husband and I both are aware of the legal ruling regarding anal sex, which is strictly haram. However, we both fantasize/talk about doing it with each other, and during sex may even wish for it to happen. But each time, I don’t allow us to go that far. I often feel like I have to be the clear-minded one, otherwise, we might fall into this sin. Does this indicate a greater issue in our marriage, that we’re not healthy for each other? Or is that struggle normal?
Thank you for your question. Your desire for anal sex does not indicate a larger problem in your marriage, it just indicates that you are mentioning the haram too much in your conversations.
Mentioning the immoral
Whatever a person mentions often becomes a part of their mindset and a part of their narrative. The only reason this has become a temptation in both of your minds is that you discuss it. Discussing something that is prohibited is prohibited because it comes under mentioning falsehood, one of the enormities of the tongue.
“r13.1 (Nahlawi:) Conversing about what is useless or immoral means discussing acts of disobedience, such as stories about drinking sessions and fornicators when there is no legitimate purpose connected with the conversation, which is unlawful because it manifests one’s own disobedience or another’s without there being any need to. Ibn Mas’ud (Allah be well pleased with him) said, “The greatest in sins on the Judgement Day will be the one most given to speaking about the useless and immoral.“ [The Reliance of the Traveller]
Instead, keep your conversations to permissible topics, remember Allah together, worship together, and speak of what benefits you. So don’t worry about your marriage, just worry about living Islam day in and day out, through your speech, actions, and heart.
See this very useful article:
May Allah give you the best of this world and the next.
[Ustadha] Shazia Ahmad
Checked and Approved by Shaykh Faraz Rabbani
Ustadha Shazia Ahmad lived in Damascus, Syria, for two years, where she studied aqidah, fiqh, tajweed, Tafseer, and Arabic. She then attended the University of Texas at Austin, where she completed her Master’s in Arabic. Afterward, she moved to Amman, Jordan, where she studied fiqh, Arabic, and other sciences. She recently moved back to Mississauga, Canada, where she lives with her family.