Answered by Ustadha Shazia Ahmad

Question

I was sexually abused as a child by an older cousin. I have been to therapy and trying to work through this; however, I feel so broken and unloved even by Allah; I pray and practice Islam but sometimes feel that I am unworthy of Allah and Islam. Sometimes I wonder if this abuse was a punishment from Allah because I deserved it or if it is a test.

Answer

Thank you for your question. You are worthy of Islam and Allah’s love because you are a believer, and no child is abused because Allah is punishing them.

Abuse

The Prophet (Allah bless him and give him peace) also said, “There should be neither harming nor reciprocating harm.” [Ibn Maja]

And the Prophet (Allah bless him and give him peace) said, “Whoever harms others, Allah will harm him, and whoever causes hardship to others, Allah will cause hardship to him. [Abu Dawud]

Abu Hurayra (Allah be pleased with him) reported: The Prophet (Allah bless him and give him peace) said, “He who has done a wrong affecting his brother’s honor or anything else, let him ask his forgiveness today before the time (i.e., the Day of Resurrection) when he will have neither a dinar nor a dirham. If he has done some good deeds, a portion equal to his wrongdoings will be subtracted from them; but if he has no good deeds, he will be burdened with the evil deeds of the one he had wronged in the same proportion.” [Bukhari].

What your perpetrator did was a crime, and he will be accountable for it on the Day of Judgment. He committed a grave wrong against you, and you can exact compensation from him if you wish on the Last Day.

Trial

I see you as having a high rank with God because of this hadith: It was narrated from Mus‘ab Ibn Sa‘d that his father, Sa‘d Ibn Abi Waqqas, said: “I said: ‘O Messenger of Allah, which people are most severely tested?’ He said: ‘The Prophets, then the next best and the next best. A person is tested according to his religious commitment. If he is steadfast in his religious commitment, he will be tested more severely, and if he is frail in his religious commitment, his test will be according to his commitment. Trials will continue to afflict a person until they leave him walking on the earth with no sin on him.’”

[Ibn Maja]

The abuse was and still is a tremendous test, and I urge you to continue the good work that you are doing. Continue your therapy, perhaps try Cognitive Behavioral Therapy, and work on letting go of the anger. The anger will eat you alive. Freeing your heart of these feelings will be liberating, powerful, and healing. Patience, prayer, supplication, dhikr (remembrance), therapy, healthy relationships, and even giving charity, will help you through this by the grace of Allah.

Dua

Please supplicate heartily and heavily, your Lord will lead you out of the darkness to a place of light that you could never imagine. Your dua, especially in the state of brokenness, is heard, as the Prophet (Allah bless him and give him peace): “Beware of the supplication of the oppressed; for indeed there is no barrier between it and Allah.” [Tirmidhi]

اللَّهُمَّ إِنِّي أَعُوذُ بِكَ مِنْ الْهَمِّ وَالْحُزْنِ وَالْعَجْزِ وَالْكَسَلِ وَالْبُخْلِ وَالْجُبْنِ وَضَلَعِ الدَّيْنِ وَغَلَبَةِ الرِّجَالِ

“O Allah, I take refuge in You from anxiety and sorrow, weakness and laziness, miserliness and cowardice, the burden of debts and from being overpowered by men.” [Bukhari]

اللَّهُمَّ رَحْمَتَكَ أَرْجُو فَلَا تَكِلْنِي إِلَى نَفْسِي طَرْفَةَ عَيْنٍ وَأَصْلِحْ لِي شَأْنِي كُلَّهُ لَا إِلَهَ إِلَا أَنْتَ

“O Allah, I hope for Your mercy. Do not leave me to myself even for a blink of an eye. Correct all of my affairs for me. There is none worthy of worship except You.” [Abu Dawud]

فَقَالَ رَبِّ إِنِّى لِمَآ أَنزَلْتَ إِلَىَّ مِنْ خَيْرٍۢ فَقِيرٌۭ 

“My Lord, I am in dire need of whatever good thing You may send me.” [Quran, 28:24]

Please see these links as well:

• Dealing with Depression: Elucidation
• I Was Sexually Abused as a Child and Have Become an Abuser. Is There Any Redemption for Me?
• Do I Have to Forgive the Man Who Abused Me as a Child?
• A Traumatic Childhood: Turning to Allah in Difficult Times
• Should I Listen to My Counsellor and Reveal Past Sexual Abuse to My Parents?

Ustadha Shazia Ahmad lived in Damascus, Syria, for two years, where she studied aqida, fiqh, tajweed, tafsir, and Arabic. She then attended the University of Texas at Austin and completed her Master’s in Arabic. Afterward, she moved to Amman, Jordan, where she studied fiqh, Arabic, and other sciences. She later moved back to Mississauga, Canada, where she lives with her family.