Answered by Ustadha Shazia Ahmad

Question

I come from a Christian family. My dad’s side is Christian, and he persuaded my Muslim mother to convert. I’ve been with a Christian boy for 5 years. We both converted to Islam recently, and we want to marry, but my parents see me as too young. Our families don’t know about our conversions. His family knows about our relationship, but mine doesn’t know about him. Though we know it’s haram now, we want to make it halal by marriage. But my parents likely won’t agree due to my age of 20 years. Can we perform a nikah alone ourselves? Later, we’ll reveal our relationship to them.

Answer

Thank you for your question. May Allah reward you for converting to Islam and for wanting to make your relationship halal. I can see that you have had a tremendous transformation in your life, and I urge you to include your parents in it.

No Secret Marriages

Having a secret marriage is tremendously disrespectful to parents as it betrays their trust. It is also contrary to the Prophetic command of making marriages public and open. Narrated by`A’isha, the Prophet (Allah bless him and give him peace) said: “Announce this marriage, and beat the sieve for it.” [Ibn Maja]

Reveal

I sympathize with your pain of a prolonged haram relationship, so you must take the right steps if Allah’s Pleasure is your priority, and not follow your lust. Start with repentance for this relationship and keep a distance from him from now. No touching, no being alone together, and no chatting and texting. Show that you are serious about this man and reveal to your parents that you want to marry and have converted. Hiding these things doesn’t usually work and causes more pain later. I encourage you to come up with a plan of action to tell them about the conversion first and ease into the other details later. There is no secret way of doing this. Have courage.

Say this prophetic du`a daily:

يا حَـيُّ يا قَيّـومُ بِـرَحْمَـتِكِ أَسْتَـغـيث ،
أَصْلِـحْ لي شَـأْنـي كُلَّـه ،
وَلا تَكِلـني إِلى نَفْـسي طَـرْفَةَ عَـين

O Ever-Living One, O Eternal One, by Your Mercy, I call on You to set right all my affairs. Do not place me in charge of my soul even for the blinking of an eye. [Hakim-Hisn al Muslim]

Istikhara

• Can I Marry Without My Parents’ Consent and Knowledge?
• Is It Valid to Marry in Secret?
• Can I Marry in Secret With the Minimum Conditions for a Valid Marriage to Avoid Fornication?
• Marriage in Islam: Practical Guidance for Successful Marriage

Ustadha Shazia Ahmad lived in Damascus, Syria, for two years, where she studied aqidah, fiqh, tajweed, tafsir, and Arabic. She then attended the University of Texas at Austin and completed her Master’s in Arabic. Afterward, she moved to Amman, Jordan, where she studied fiqh, Arabic, and other sciences. She later moved back to Mississauga, Canada, where she lives with her family.