How Can I Maintain a Halal Relationship with the Girl I Love?

Answered by Ustadha Shazia Ahmad

Question

I love a girl. She also loves me. But we are not old enough to marry. We talk online. Now she wants to keep it halal. How can I stay halal and love her? I can’t stop talking with her. It breaks me not talking with her.

Answer

Thank you for your question. May Allah reward you for wanting to keep your relationship halal, and may He unite you in a loving marriage if it is right for you in your religion.

Gender Interaction

An online relationship usually gets one into trouble.  When you don’t keep within the limits of Islam at this young age, it spells heartbreak or very long engagements that are a hardship. So I commend you for wanting to make this halal, but the only way forward is marriage. I have a lot of respect for her because she knows that chatting like this cannot go on without a nikah.

Please see the limits of gender interaction here:

• A Reader On Gender Interaction

Religion

Before jumping into marriage, are you sure she is the one for you? Have you seen her? Are you choosing her for religion? Are you sure you are in love or just following lust? Be sure that you pray istikhara to see if she is the right one for you and follow what the Prophet (Allah bless him and give him peace) said. “A woman is married for four things: for her wealth, for her lineage, for her beauty, or her piety. Select the pious, may you be blessed!” [Bukhari & Muslim]

Options

There are only two options for you. You can propose, optimally with your parent’s permission, or you can forget about her and move on. Try to convince your parents, even if they don’t let you marry immediately. If your parents agree, be grateful, get engaged to her, and try to have a nikah sooner than later. If they refuse a nikah, or even to meet her, then you must cease your online activity with her and guard your heart with women until you are older and closer to an age when marriage is easier. Don’t go on chatting without knowing where it will lead you.

Turn to Allah

Ask Allah to help you through this by making du`a at tahajjud time and praying the Prayer of Need. Pray your obligatory prayers on time, and avoid the haram. Make tawba for having crossed the limits of getting close to a girl, and tell her that you will pursue marriage or end it. Take a course on marriage now so that you understand what it entails of rights and responsibilities. May Allah make your affairs easy for you and guide you to what is best for your deen and dunya.

Stand by this verse of the Quran and make this your second nature: “Tell the believing men to lower their gaze and guard their chastity. That is purer for them. Surely Allah is All-Aware of what they do.” [Quran, 24:30]

Please see these links as well:

• In Love but Too Young to Marry
• I Want to Marry Young, but How to Do It in a Non-Muslim Country?
• How to Explain the Advantages of Marrying Young to My Family?
• What Should I Do About Being in Love but Not Being Ready for Marriage?
• How Do I Deal with My Heavy Desire for Sex as a Teenager?

Ustadha Shazia Ahmad lived in Damascus, Syria, for two years, where she studied aqidah, fiqh, tajweed, tafsir, and Arabic. She then attended the University of Texas at Austin and completed her Master’s in Arabic. Afterward, she moved to Amman, Jordan, where she studied fiqh, Arabic, and other sciences. She later moved back to Mississauga, Canada, where she lives with her family.