How Do I Stop Spewing Lies When I Get Angry?
Answered by Ustadha Shazia Ahmad
Question
I married a pious girl last July. She’s devout, but we sometimes argue. In anger, I accused her of being non-virgin, which isn’t true. Now, she’s disconnected from communication. How can I make our marriage happy?
Answer
Thank you for your question. I empathize with your anger and frustration, but I strongly urge you to take anger management classes, discover patience, fear God, and apologize.
Anger
The Messenger of Allah (Allah bless him and give him peace) said repeatedly to the one who asked him for advice, “Do not get angry.” [Bukhari] In his commentary on Imam Malik’s Muwatta’, Imam Suyuti quotes Imam Baji as saying, “The Messenger of Allah (Allah bless him and give him peace) gathered all good for this man in one short expression because anger causes great harm to both religion and worldly life as a result of what one says or does when angry.“ ‘Do not get angry’ means not acting according to what your anger makes you inclined towards and restraining yourself. As for anger itself, a human can’t prevent it; rather, what they can prevent is acting according to what anger calls one to do….” [Suyuti, Tanwir al-Hawalik, 1.212]
The best answers I can give you about anger in Islam are here; please read them in full, apply the tips, and recite the du`as:
Effort
You must put lots of work into this effort to change. You must start with not lying while you are angry. It’s better to say, “Your actions have made me angry, “or “I don’t appreciate what you are doing. “ There is no need for insults at all. In general, I urge you to read more, learn about the deen, read the Quran daily, learn Arabic, read about the great companions, scholars, and saints of Islam, and study tasawwuf (science of purifying the heart). You should also weaken your heat/strength regularly by fasting. I would see a homeopath to get a natural remedy to help balance the constitution.
Apologize
There is no question that you must first repent to Allah and then apologize and say you didn’t mean it. Marriage is not easy, and these are the hard parts. If you don’t apologize, you are breaking off a piece of her heart, and she will grow distant from you with each episode of anger. Ask her to help you, and tell her that you want to defeat the anger and the Shaytan. In sha Allah, she will support you. Be grateful for a wife like her, and pray that you grow old together with a strong bond.
Please see these links as well:
May Allah give you the best of this world and the next.
[Ustadha] Shazia Ahmad
Checked and Approved by Shaykh Faraz Rabbani
Ustadha Shazia Ahmad lived in Damascus, Syria for two years where she studied aqida, fiqh, tajweed, tafsir, and Arabic. She then attended the University of Texas at Austin, where she completed her Masters in Arabic. Afterward, she moved to Amman, Jordan, where she studied fiqh, Arabic, and other sciences. She later moved back to Mississauga, Canada, where she lives with her family.
