Should I Prefer a Sinful Man I Love for Marriage or a Good Man Who Loves Me?

Answered by Ustadha Shazia Ahmad

Question

I am seeing a guy that I think I love but my mom doesn’t like him because of his bad reputation for using weed. He has tried to prove to me that he can change in order to marry me but my family calls him a bad influence. I never want to break ties with my family but I feel like running away with him that would ruin my family ties.

Another friend of mine who has loved me since primary school has proposed twice but I rejected him. He has ever only been good to me. Which man should I choose? I will have to break one of their hearts.

Answer

Thank you for your question. I empathize with your confusion and not knowing what to do. However, the right choice seems obvious and I think you know it deep down.

Istikhara

The most important first step for you is to pray istikhara, the prayer of seeking guidance. The Prophet, may Allah bless him and grant him peace, taught us to turn to Allah for decisions in our lives, and taught the Companions this dua in the same way that he would teach them the chapters of the Quran. It is key in helping you decide.

You should see the details here and follow what you feel:
Istikhara: The Prayer of Seeking Guidance
The Reality of Istikhara

Grounds

On what grounds would you choose the man you love over the man who loves you? Has he offered you some kind of religious lifestyle that will encourage you and your children to know Allah? Has he offered you some kind of financial luxury, comfort, or status? Has he completely given up this sinful smoking habit which is akin to drinking? Are you merely excited in his presence and feel attracted to his ‘bad boy’ attitude? Is this lust or love? Please know that all feelings of temptation before marriage are lust, not love, for only Allah puts love between hearts when the relationship is halal.

Finally

Before you even pray istikhara, make a list of things that both men are offering you and compare. Which list lends itself to a bright future with Islam as the center of your household where you will raise children to know and love Allah? Which man may end up destroying your family ties and shaming your reputation? You must never marry a man on his potential or what he promises to be, but rather, marry him for what he is now. This is the time to push away feelings and temptations and use logic, you will not regret it, I promise.

Please see the answers below for more detail:
My Husband is Addicted to Marijuana
The Legal Ruling on Smoking and Its Punishment
Smoking Marijuana and the Importance of Keeping Good Company
May Allah give you the best of this world and the next.

[Ustadha] Shazia Ahmad
Checked and Approved by Shaykh Faraz Rabbani

Ustadha Shazia Ahmad lived in Damascus, Syria for two years where she studied aqida, fiqh, tajweed, tafsir, and Arabic. She then attended the University of Texas at Austin, where she completed her Masters in Arabic. Afterward, she moved to Amman, Jordan where she studied fiqh, Arabic, and other sciences. She later moved back to Mississauga, Canada, where she lives with her family.