What Should I Do after Catching My Newlywed Husband Chatting on a Dating App?
Answered by Ustadha Shazia Ahmad
Question
I am a 26-year-old Muslim woman who has been married for two months. It was hard in the first month of living together because of leaving my mom’s house. I have been very depressed, and I sometimes neglected my husband because of frustration and anger. Now, I discovered that, because of me being distant for the past week, as he claims, he has been on the Tinder dating app. He shared his number with a non-Muslim woman and has been talking to her for two days. We tried talking, and he is very sorry; he cries a lot, and we cry together, but I just can’t forgive him. I prayed istikhara because I really didn’t know what to do.
Answer
Thank you for your question. I find it quite incredible that you feel you can’t forgive him when Allah Himself can forgive all sins except for shirk (associating partners with Him).
Forgiveness
Forgiveness and trust are two completely different things. Forgiveness was an integral part of our Prophet’s sunna (Allah bless him and give him peace), and he himself was commanded to forgive. Explaining the Qur’anic verse “Hold to forgiveness”, `Abd Allah b. Al-Zubair said: The Prophet of Allah (Allah bless him and give him peace) was commanded to hold to forgiveness from the conduct of the people. [Abu Dawud]
The Prophet (Allah bless him and give him peace) also said, “Forgive the people of good qualities their slips, but not faults to which prescribed penalties apply.” [Abu Dawud]
I urge you to forgive him and encourage him to repent, with the hopes that you also meet Allah’s forgiveness on that Day when none other can forgive.
Please see this link:
Trust
He has lost credibility with you, and it will take time to build up that trust. You have the right to take your time, and it is possible to find that trust again. Everyone deserves a second chance. That being said, you should consider his character as what he did is strange and unexpected, and it makes one wonder about his habits and what he might possibly do in the future. I suggest that you use the resources below to take active steps to strengthen your marriage; if you don’t, I fear that things will spiral out of control.
Turn to Allah
Turn to Allah during this time, and show your devotion to the One that can help you solve your problems. Take the means to bring blessings and angels into your home, and remember that if you both turn to Allah, worship together, study together, attend circles of remembrance together and keep the company of religious couples, your marriage can transform completely, by the grace of Allah. I ask you to have a long-term vision and create habits with him that you hope to have in twenty years’ time.
Make this your standard as a wife: It was said, “O Messenger of Allah, what type of wife is best? He said, ‘The one who makes (her husband) happy when he looks at her, and she obeys him if he instructs her to do something, and she does not do anything with regard to herself or his wealth in a manner of which he does not approve.’” [Ahmad]
Course Suggestions:
- Marriage in Islam: Practical Guidance for Successful Marriage
- Making Love Last: Prophetic Principles for a Successful Marriage
Answer Suggestions:
- Istikhara Prayer
- Prayer of Need (Salat al-Haja)
- How Can I Save My New Marriage?
- I Don’t Have Any Feelings for My Wife. What Can I Do?
- Love, Marriage, and Relationships in Islam: All Your Questions Answered
- Chapman, G: Five Love Languages Revised Edition
- The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work
- Handbook of a Healthy Muslim Marriage
[Ustadha] Shazia Ahmad
Checked and Approved by Shaykh Faraz Rabbani
Ustadha Shazia Ahmad lived in Damascus, Syria, for two years, where she studied aqidah, fiqh, tajweed, tafsir, and Arabic. She then attended the University of Texas at Austin and completed her Master’s in Arabic. Afterward, she moved to Amman, Jordan, where she studied fiqh, Arabic, and other sciences. She later moved back to Mississauga, Canada, where she lives with her family.
