Question: My husband refused to sleep with me because he did not want me to fall pregnant. We had a disagreement about this for a week, and he stayed away from me. Last night he came close to me, I asked him why he came after a week. There was no reply. I fell asleep, and then he forced himself on me. Right at the end, I asked him to get off of me, but by then he had finished and walked out of the room. What am I to make of this? I am going out of my mind.
Thank you for your question. I am sorry that your husband is treating you like this and does not show more affection. I pray that you can mutually love and respect each other and show it. It’s essential for a happy marriage.
Do you already have children? If not, he is denying you your basic right to have children, and you should have an open and honest discussion about it. If you do have children, you should still discuss it, but perhaps you will not be able to change his mind about having more.
If he really does not want you to get pregnant, you simply have to give him peace of mind that are not having intercourse while you are ovulating. When you know your average menstrual cycle length, you can work out when you ovulate. Ovulation happens about 14 days before your period starts. If your average menstrual cycle is 28 days, you ovulate around day 14, and your most fertile days are days 12, 13, and 14. Teach him this concept so that you both understand when to limit intercourse. You may also use condoms.
There is an etiquette to intercourse and the Prophet, Allah bless him and grant him peace, encouraged that a woman’s sexual climax be met. See this link about mutual satisfaction and intimacy:
In case you have not figured it out, your husband came to you because he had gone a week without intercourse and could not wait anymore. This is a healthy sexual need, and I commend him for not turning to a haram alternative to satisfy himself, and for coming to his wife, instead.
Communicate with him about foreplay and be active in bed yourself, if you are awake, and let him understand that it should be enjoyable for both of you. This is the praiseworthy way to do it and will be rewarded by the grace of Allah. Try not to get upset when you discuss it because it will affect the quality of intercourse and his mentality toward you.
Perhaps you can take a course on Islamic marriage fill in the gaps about rights and responsibilities:
[Ustadha] Shazia Ahmad
Checked and Approved by Shaykh Faraz Rabbani
Ustadha Shazia Ahmad lived in Damascus, Syria for two years where she studied aqidah, fiqh, tajweed, tafseer, and Arabic. She then attended the University of Texas at Austin, where she completed her Masters in Arabic. Afterward, she moved to Amman, Jordan where she studied fiqh, Arabic, and other sciences. She recently moved back to Mississauga, Canada, where she lives with her family.