How I Can I Address My Husband’s Problem Of Forcing Himself On Me?


Question: My husband refused to sleep with me because he didn’t want me to fall pregnant. We had a disagreement about this for a week and he stayed away from me. Last night he came close to me, I asked him why he came after a week but there was no reply. I fell asleep and then he forced himself on me. Right at the end, I asked him to get off of me, but by then he had finished and walked out of the room. What am I to make of this? I’m going out of my mind.

Answer:

Assalamu alaykum,

Thank you for your question. I am sorry that your husband is treating you like this and is not more gracious and communicative. I pray that you both achieve mutual understanding and respect.

Falling pregnant

Do you already have children? If not, he is denying you your basic right to have children and you should have an open and honest discussion about it. If you do have children, you should still discuss it, and come to an agreement about having more or not. Procreation is the very purpose of marriage and a Prophetic injunction. See the virtues of having children here:
https://seekersguidance.org/tag/virtues-of-raising-children/

Contraception

It seems to me that fearing pregnancy is the real issue between you. His declaration to not have intercourse is withholding your rights and an extremely impractical and ineffective way of preventing pregnancy. He will just lose his patience and end up doing what he did with you, again, and probably when you are ovulating, so you may an even higher chance of falling pregnant! Not to mention, he is hurting you by being ungracious and insensitive.

Come up with a plan of contraception and discuss it with your doctor, once you have both agreed not to have more children. Consider coitus interruptus, condoms, birth control, the calendar method, whatever works for you, along with istikhara. Once resolved, your issue will much improve, by the grace of Allah.

Etiquette and forcing himself

There is an etiquette to intercourse and the Prophet, may Allah bless him and grant him peace, encouraged that a woman’s climax is met, along with sufficient foreplay before intercourse. Does a Muslim man have a right to sleep with his wife? Yes. Does he have a right to force her? No. Please see details of marital rape, and mutual satisfaction and intimacy here:
https://seekersguidance.org/answers/general-counsel/islam-say-neglect-wifes-sexual-rights/
https://seekersguidance.org/answers/previous-answer-wifes-conjugal-rights/

Resources

Perhaps you can both take a course on Islamic marriage fill in the gaps about rights and responsibilities:
https://seekersguidance.org/courses/marriage-in-islam-practical-guidance-for-successful-marriage/
https://seekersguidance.org/tag/finger/

Shazia Ahmad

[Ustadha] Shazia Ahmad

Checked and Approved by Shaykh Faraz Rabbani

Ustadha Shazia Ahmad lived in Damascus, Syria for two years where she studied aqidah, fiqh, tajweed, tafseer, and Arabic. She then attended the University of Texas at Austin, where she completed her Masters in Arabic. Afterward, she moved to Amman, Jordan where she studied fiqh, Arabic, and other sciences. She recently moved back to Mississauga, Canada, where she lives with her family.