Do I Have to Love and Pray for My Abusive Father After He Dies?
Answered by Ustadha Shazia Ahmad
Question
I know we must respect our parents and be dutiful even if they are abusive. Do we have to love, do good deeds, and pray for a very abusive parent after death? My father beats my sisters for things like not sitting the right way and constantly threatens to beat them and yell at them. This has even led to them developing psychological illnesses. My father is hopeless in changing. I just can’t do any of this for someone who has beaten me since I was two and made me live in fear. I can’t love him or do anything that will benefit him after death.
Answer
Thank you for your question. I empathize with your horrible situation, and I pray that Allah opens a way out for you and your sist rs. Your father’s behavior is unlawful.
Love
It is not obligatory at all to love your parents, do any good deeds for them after they die, or even pray for them after their death. Your only obligation is to be good to them while they are alive.
Please see this link:
What Constitutes Disobeying One’s Parents (‘Uquq al-Walidayn)?
Is It Bad That I Do Not Love My Mother Because of All the Stress That She Gives Me?
Healing
However, I highly encourage you to find a way to mend this relationship, as one must heal from such trauma, as everyone desires to live with love, tranquillity, and ho or. Your father must be deeply troubled by his past and is passing his trauma on to you. An emotional balance is necessary, and I ask that you make dua for guidance, take the means to heal emotionally, and eventually forgive him. You should do this in hopes that Allah will forgive your sins on the Day of Judgment.
Steps
- Take steps to move out, study, or work, and have your own family, and in sha Allah, you will find him much changed over time.
- Turn to Allah, learn your obligatory knowledge, read the Quran daily, be the best Muslim you can be, and build your relationship with your Lord. There is no problem that Allah sends you that He cannot solve, so ask for His mercy and kindness and guidance to a solution. He will surely come to your aid.
- Try journaling; once you get your emotions onto paper, it will be easier to process them and realize what you need to do. Plan to see a therapist.
- Spend time with good friends who are a positive and religious influence on you.
- Exercise, take your supplements, and get very fresh air every day. Do not ever let your physical health suffer.
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If you ever feel your physical safety is in danger, you have a right to call the police.
Patience
The Prophet, Allah bless him and give him peace, said, “There are three whose supplication is not rejected: The fasting person when he breaks his fast, the just leader, and the supplication of the oppressed person; Allah raises it up above the clouds and opens the gates of heaven to it. And the Lord says: ‘By My might, I shall surely aid you, even if it should be after a while.’” [Tirmidhi]
Make dua your greatest tool and solace.
May Allah give you the best of this world and the next.
[Ustadha] Shazia Ahmad
Checked and Approved by Shaykh Faraz Rabbani
Ustadha Shazia Ahmad lived in Damascus, Syria for two years where she studied aqida, fiqh, tajweed, tafsir, and Arabic. She then attended the University of Texas at Austin, where she completed her Masters in Arabic. Afterward, she moved to Amman, Jordan where she studied fiqh, Arabic, and other sciences. She later moved back to Mississauga, Canada, where she lives with her family.
