Answered by Ustadha Shazia Ahmad

Question

My father is verbally abusive and has been physically violent. I avoid and disrespect him, which stresses my mother, who tells me to be patient. How can I handle this without committing major sins while seeking a life of baraka?

Answer

Thank you for your question. I empathize with your frustration, and I pray that you find a way to be patient with him; your reward will be manifold in sha Allah. That being said, it is not permissible for him to abuse you, and you must not accept it.

Parents

Remember this Quranic injunction when you face him: “Your Lord has decreed that you worship none but Him, and do good to parents. If any one of them or both of them reach old age, do not say to them: ‘Uff’ (a word or expression of anger or contempt), and do not scold them, and address them with respectful words. [Quran, 17:23]

I believe less interaction with your father might be better for the relationship, as it is a way for you to escape the abuse and avoid disrespect. Not engaging him might be the easiest way to do it. Try to explain this to your mother. I also feel things will improve as you get older, in sha Allah, and that your father will come to respect the God-fearing person that you are.

Dua

I urge you to continue showing excellence to your parents (not talking back, for example, is excellence) while speaking up to defend yourself or members of the family that he is abusing….without getting angry.  Maintain your daily prayers, read the Quran daily, and supplicate to your Lord to improve this situation. I pray that you find it in your heart to eventually forgive him and help him help himself.

Please say this prophetic dua daily seven times:

حَسْبِـيَ اللّهُ لا إلهَ إلاّ هُوَ عَلَـيهِ تَوَكَّـلتُ وَهُوَ رَبُّ العَرْشِ العَظـيم.

Allah is sufficient for me. There is none worthy of worship but Him. I have placed my trust in Him; He is Lord of the Majestic Throne. [Abu Dawud]

Please see many more useful tips here:

• How Can I Help My Mother Despite My Abusive Father?
• How Do I Deal with an Abusive Father and His Constant Shouting and Cursing?
• How to Deal with Our Abusive Father?
• How Can I Deal with My Father, Who Degrades and Abuses Me?
• How to Deal With a Verbally Abusive Father?
• How to Deal with an Emotionally Abusive Father?
• How to Deal with the Emotional Abuse of My Father?
• Is It Permissible To Kick My Abusive Father Out of the House?
• How Can I Deal With My Father, Who Is Angry and Unforgiving With Us?
• Is It Backbiting To Complain About an Abusive Father?
• Is It Permissible to Cut Ties with a Violent Father?
• How Can I Deal With a Father Who Abuses Me and Slanders Me?
• Is There a Verse or Hadith That Directly Addresses Child Abuse?

May Allah give you the best of this world and the next.
[Ustadha] Shazia Ahmad
Checked and Approved by Shaykh Faraz Rabbani

Ustadha Shazia Ahmad lived in Damascus, Syria, for two years, where she studied aqidah, fiqh, tajweed, tafsir, and Arabic. She then attended the University of Texas at Austin and completed her Master’s in Arabic. Afterward, she moved to Amman, Jordan, where she studied fiqh, Arabic, and other sciences. She later moved back to Mississauga, Canada, where she lives with her family.