Should I Listen to My Father or Mother When They Tell Me to Do Opposite Things?

Answered by Ustadha Shazia Ahmad

Question

My father and mother get into a lot of arguments, mainly about their in-laws. Sometimes, my father would ask me to do something, and then my mother would ask me not to do it. Then my father would insist I do. This occurs in not-so-important matters, and also in bigger things, such as helping my old grandparents. What is your opinion on whom I should listen to? Should I always listen to my father when they disagree, or my mother, or should I go with my own rational thinking? What does Islam say on this matter? I do not want to incur sin by listening to one over the other.

Answer

Thank you for your question. I empathize with your frustration and pray that your parents understand they should not make you choose under this kind of pressure. I pray that you treat them both well with respect, love, and wisdom.

Quran

Allah (Most High) said in the Quran, “And your Lord has decreed that you not worship except Him, and to parents, good treatment. Whether one or both of them reach old age [while] with you, say not to them [so much as], “uff,” and do not repel them but speak to them a noble word.” [Quran, 17:23]

Hadith About the Father and the Mother

The Prophet (Allah bless him and give him peace) said: “The Lord’s pleasure is in the father’s pleasure, and the Lord’s anger is in the father’s anger.” [Tirmidhi] One explanation of this hadith says, “This means that if the father is pleased with the child, the Lord is also pleased, and likewise about his anger. This applies to the mother as well.” [Ibn Malik, Sharh al-Masabih, 5/283]

A person came to the Messenger of Allah (Allah bless him and give him peace)   and asked, “Who among people is most deserving of my fine treatment?” He said, ”Your mother.” He again asked, “Who next?” ”Your mother,” the Prophet (Allah bless him and give him peace) replied again. He asked, “Who next?” He said again, “Your mother.” He again asked, “Then who?” Thereupon he said, “Then your father.”

In another narration: “O Messenger of Allah! Who is most deserving of my fine treatment?” He said, “Your mother, then your mother, then your mother, then your father, then your nearest, then nearest.” [Bukhari; Muslim].

Ruling

In Al-Tahrir wa al-Tanwir, Ibn ‘Ashur says, “And there are various scholarly opinions. One of them prefers the mother over the father, and Layth Ibn Sa‘d, Muhasibi, and Abu Hanifa agreed with this. It seems to be the position of Malik as well because Qarafi mentioned in the Mukhtasar al-Jami‘ that a man asked Malik this question, ‘My father is in Sudan, and he wrote to me asking me to come to him, but my mother is not allowing me to go.’ Malik responded, ‘Obey your father and don’t disobey your mother.’ And Qarafi mentioned […] that Malik meant to tell the man not to go to the Sudan without his mother’s permission.

The position of the Shafi‘i School is that both parents be treated with goodness equally. But suppose one parent must be chosen when they each request something from the son that contradicts the other. In that case, Qurtubi relates that Muhasibi said in the Ri‘aya, “There is no difference of opinion among the scholars that the mother deserves three quarters and the father, a quarter.

Qurtubi also relates that Layth says that the mother deserves two-thirds of goodness (birr) and the father, a third, based on the different narrations of the hadith that the Prophet (Allah bless him and give him peace) said “And then your father“, after the second time, or the third time. The point here is not the number of times that she was mentioned, but rather, that overall, the mother is preferred. Then he ordered people to pray for mercy for their parents because a child cannot help his parents receive mercy except by supplicating Allah (Most High) to grant it.

وللعلماء أقوال : 

أحدها : ترجيح الأم على الأب وإلى هذا ذهب الليث بن سعد ، والمحاسبي ، وأبو حنيفة . وهو ظاهر قول مالك ، فقد حكى القرافي في الفرق 23 عن مختصر الجامع أن رجلاً سأل مالكاً فقال : إن أبي في بلد السودان وقد كتب إليّ أن أقدم عليه وأمي تمنعني من ذلك ؟ فقال مالك : أَطِعْ أباك ولا تعْص أمك . وذكر القرافي في المسألة السابعة من ذلك الفرق أن مالكاً أراد منع الابن من الخروج إلى السودان بغير إذن الأم . الثاني : قول الشافعية أن الأبوين سواء في البر . وهذا القول يقتضي وجوب طلب الترجيح إذا أمرا ابنهما بأمرين متضادين . وحكى القرطبي عن المحاسبي في كتاب « الرعاية » أنه قال : لا خلاف بين العلماء في أن للأم ثلاثة أرباع البر وللأب الربع . وحكى القرطبي عن الليث أن للأم ثلثي البر وللأب الثلث ، بناء على اختلاف رواية الحديث المذكور أنه قال : ثم أبوك بعد المرة الثانية أو بعد المرة الثالثة . والوجه أن تحديد ذلك بالمقدار حوالة على ما لا ينضبط وأن محمل الحديث مع اختلاف روايتيه على أن الأم أرجح على الإجمال . ثم أمر بالدعاء لهما برحمة الله إياهما وهي الرحمة التي لا يستطيع الولد إيصالها إلى أبويه إلا بالابتهال إلى الله تعالى . التحرير والتنوير لابن عاشور (ابن عاشور) [حول التفسير]

Choice

Respect them and give them their rights in the best way you can. First, use Islam as your guide. If one is telling you not to help your grandparents, while Islam does enjoin to help them, you should follow the teachings of your religion. If they are disputing over whether something is red or maroon, you should refrain from commenting. And if they are disputing over what you should do and how to do it, I would say to take turns listening to them both. If you must choose, explain gently and kindly why you had to choose between them for the given situation. Explain to them that you love them both, and that you are choosing equal treatment above all since they compel you to choose.

Dua

Never fail to pray for them, in sha Allah, your children will pray for you too. Supplicate with this dua from the Quran.

  رَبِّ ٱرْحَمْهُمَا كَمَا رَبَّيَانِى صَغِيراً

“My Lord! Be merciful to them as they raised me when I was young.”

May Allah give you the best of this world and the next.
[Ustadha] Shazia Ahmad
Checked and Approved by Shaykh Irshaad Sedick

Ustadha Shazia Ahmad lived in Damascus, Syria, for two years, where she studied aqidah, fiqh, tajweed, tafsir, and Arabic. She then attended the University of Texas at Austin and completed her Master’s in Arabic. Afterward, she moved to Amman, Jordan, where she studied fiqh, Arabic, and other sciences. She later moved back to Mississauga, Canada, where she lives with her family.