Should I Get Married despite Past Trauma That I Haven’t Healed From?

Answered by Ustadha Shazia Ahmad

Question

I have past trauma, which has affected my mental health and even my prayers; I am now in therapy, but I think it will take a while to heal. I live alone due to my family situation, which has made me more depressed at times. Can a person, in my case, get married?

I know it won’t solve all my problems, but I won’t have to do everything alone and can grow spiritually with a spouse. The other problem is that I am not sure about a wali. My father abandoned my family after my parents separated and divorced, and my oldest brother is in jail because he met the wrong people. My only other brother is younger than me, though, at 16, I believe he has reached puberty.

So who can be my wali if someone comes along for marriage?

Answer

Thank you for your question. I empathize with your situation and pray that you take steps to heal and strengthen your soul before embarking on marriage and raising children.

Marriage

Marriage requires a mountain of effort from the wife regarding pregnancy, nursing, and sleepless nights on top of being kind and attentive toward the husband. I don’t feel marriage is suitable for anyone still healing from their trauma, as marriage doesn’t cure it. Before entering any marital contract, please focus on bettering your state of mind and moving forward from your trauma for personal and spiritual growth. Your well-being and acquisition of Islamic knowledge are essential before considering raising a family.

Supplication

I ask that you learn or review your personally obligatory knowledge, pray on time, eliminate the haram from your life, make much remembrance of Allah, and see a Muslim counselor regularly in an effort to heal. Supplicate to Allah wholeheartedly, as He is the Healer. This supplication that was taught to us by the Prophet (Allah bless him and give him peace) is very beneficial:

”يا حَـيُّ يا قَيّـومُ بِـرَحْمَـتِكَ أَسْتَـغـيث أصْلِح لي شَأني كُلَّهُ ولا تَكِلْني إلى نَفْسي طَرْفة عَيْن.“

“O Ever-Living One, O Eternal One, by Your mercy, I call on You to set right all my affairs. Do not place me in charge of my soul even for the blinking of an eye (i.e., a moment).” [Hakim]

Please see these links as well:
Fighting Depression Through The Remembrance Of Allah
Is There a Prayer for Mental Well-Being

Wali

As for a guardian to conduct your marriage, you can ask your father if you can find him. If you can’t find him or he is unwilling to attend, inform him of your upcoming marriage. Otherwise, your younger brother is old enough and is next in line to be your guardian, as your older brother is unavailable.

Please see more details here:
Is It Valid to Marry without the Presence of a Wali (Guardian)?
What Are the Minimum Steps That Must Be Taken for a Marriage to Be Valid?
Marriage Contract Validity

May Allah give you the best of this world and the next.
[Ustadha] Shazia Ahmad
Checked and Approved by Shaykh Faraz Rabbani

Ustadha Shazia Ahmad lived in Damascus, Syria, for two years, where she studied aqidah, fiqh, tajweed, tafsir, and Arabic. She then attended the University of Texas at Austin and completed her Master’s in Arabic. Afterward, she moved to Amman, Jordan, where she studied fiqh, Arabic, and other sciences. She later moved back to Mississauga, Canada, where she lives with her family.