How to Deal with Abusive Parents?
Answered by Ustadha Shazia Ahmad
Question
My parents are always mean to me. They were very kind when I was in the best school, got good grades, and excelled in everything. But I had a regrettable event where I was expelled. From that day, they started being horrible because they couldn’t show me off.
The last five years have been harsh. I completed my engineering with all the bullying, and now I have a job. I feel like a trophy for them to show off, but I have lost interest in everything. I used to pray regularly, but they started to pressure me, so I stopped. They are worse now, and I always try to keep calm. I have never answered back.
Answer
I am very sorry that you don’t feel loved or respected by your parents. I want you to know that Allah does not place your worth according to your grades. He tells us in His words, “Surely the noblest of you, in Allah’s sight, is the one who is most pious of you. Surely Allah is All-Knowing, All-Aware.” [Quran 49:13]
I commend you for staying calm and not answering back, this is indeed a very high and noble character, and you have the noble quality of patience. However, I fear your extreme silence has put you in this painful position.
Please know that Islam does not condone or encourage this behavior from parent to child. Children also have rights and a right to be respected and not humiliated. Do not connect their behavior to our great religion. Read about the Prophet’s life, may Allah bless and grant him peace, and know that he did not degrade anyone or place their worth in their accomplishments.
I highly recommend you turn to the One who sent you these problems and can send you a solution. He is the One who tests His servants and rewards them with closeness to Him and eternal happiness. Try praying at least one prayer a day and ask yourself how you feel afterward. Look at yourself ten years from now and ask yourself if you want your future self to be a lady who fulfills her obligations to Allah or if you see your future self as someone who has been off track because her parents misguided her. Don’t let your parents win.
A person in your situation should get married soon and leave the house. Please consider any suitors you may have received or ask Allah to send you suitable ones. Marrying completes half of one’s religion, and living on your own with your own new family is the best way to escape from difficult circumstances.
Until then, I recommend being assertive with your parents while being polite and not getting angry. Set some boundaries that they cannot cross. Have some private time at home, and have some beneficial activities or hobbies outside the home. Have good religious friends that you see regularly and bring them over. Please get involved in charities; nothing distracts one from one’s problems more than seeing the problems of others. We have much to be grateful for. May Allah help you solve this problem and give you the best relationship with your parents.
My Parents Emotionally and Physically Abuse Me. Can You Help Me?
My Parents Humiliate Me Every Day. What Do I Do?
[Ustadha] Shazia Ahmad
Checked and Approved by Shaykh Faraz Rabbani
Ustadha Shazia Ahmad lived in Damascus, Syria for two years where she studied aqida, fiqh, tajweed, tafsir, and Arabic. She then attended the University of Texas at Austin, where she completed her Masters in Arabic. Afterward, she moved to Amman, Jordan where she studied fiqh, Arabic, and other sciences. She later moved back to Mississauga, Canada, where she lives with her family.
