How to Deal with an Unjust Parent Who Hates, Curses and Insults Us?
Answered by Ustadha Shazia Ahmad
Question
How should we deal with an unjust parent who insults and curses us? Despite our efforts to support her, she remains dissatisfied, spends excessively, and often refuses to speak to us for months. When we reach out, she responds with insults. Apart from making dua, I feel helpless.
Answer
Thank you for your question. I empathize with your feeling of helplessness, and I advise you to be patient, polite, and protect yourself from harm as much as you can.
Goodness to Parents
The Prophet (Allah bless him and give him peace) said,
“If any Muslim obeys Allah regarding his parents, Allah will open two gates of the Garden for him. If there is only one parent, then one gate will be opened. If one of them is angry, then Allah will not be pleased with him until that parent is pleased with him.” He was asked, ‘Even if they wrong him?’ ‘Even if they wrong him,’” he replied. [Bayhaqi]
The Prophet (Allah bless him and give him peace) said,
“He is not one of us who does not show mercy to our young ones and respect to our elders.” [Tirmidhi]
The Prophet (Allah bless him and give him peace) said,
“Allah is Gentle and loves gentleness, and He grants reward for it that He does not grant for harshness.” [Ibn Maja]
Although your mother has hurt you and continues to do so, I urge you to continue being respectful, polite, and dutiful toward her. When you interact with her, don’t do or say anything that could be held against you on the Day of Judgment. Do your best and you will be rewarded, in sha Allah.
Harm
The Prophet (Allah bless him and give him peace) said:
“There should be neither harm nor reciprocating harm.“ [Ibn Maja]
In Islam, it is obligatory to protect yourself from abuse. Limit interaction and don’t listen to her insults. If she asks, tell her that it is difficult for you to be in regular contact with her because of her curses, insults, and how she speaks to you. Have a calm conversation about how her actions affect you. Don’t ever get angry. Set limits and avoid arguments. Respond to her insults with silence and don’t engage.
Dua
Because you are making du`a, you should not feel helpless. Supplication is a powerful tool, and you should take it seriously. Be patient and remember that Allah will answer du`a in the way and timing that He deems fit.
Please say these supplications regularly:
رَبِّ ٱشْرَحْ لِى صَدْرِى وَيَسِّرْ لِىٓ أَمْرِى وَٱحْلُلْ عُقْدَةًۭ مِّن لِّسَانِى يَفْقَهُوا۟ قَوْلِى
“My Lord, open wide my breast, and make easy my whole mission, and free a great knot from my tongue, and they will comprehend all I say.” [Quran, 20:25-28]
رَبِّ إِنِّي لِمَا أَنزَلْتَ إِلَيَّ مِنْ خَيْرٍ فَقِيرٌ
“My Lord! I am truly in ˹desperate˺ need of whatever provision You may have in store for me.” [Quran, 28:24]
Related
Please see more details here:
- How to Find Solace and Peace with Unjust Parents?
- How To Survive in a Family That Is Cursing Me All the Time?
- What To Do With a Mother Who Taunts, Curses, and Fights With Me?
- How Can I Go On With This Abusive Mother?
- How Should I Deal with My Mother’s Insults and Abuse?
- How Do I Deal with My Abusive, Toxic, and Mentally Ill Mother
May Allah give you the best of this world and the next.
[Ustadha] Shazia Ahmad
Checked and Approved by Shaykh Irshaad Sedick
Ustadha Shazia Ahmad lived in Damascus, Syria, for two years, where she studied ‘aqida, fiqh, tajweed, tafsir, and Arabic. She then attended the University of Texas at Austin, where she completed her Masters in Arabic. Afterward, she moved to Amman, Jordan, where she studied fiqh, Arabic, and other sciences. She later moved back to Mississauga, Canada, where she lives with her family.
