Answered by Ustadha Shazia Ahmad
If I am in a relationship with a boy and we promise to marry each other, but he has not told his parents about it because he wants his elder brother to marry first, should I continue being patient?
Thank you for your question. No, you should not wait for a man who does not care about you and is using you for his current enjoyment instead of treating you with respect and honor.
Start by doing the right thing and ending the relationship with this man. Ask Allah to forgive you for getting close to him and disregarding what pleases Him and what doesn’t. Make the intention only to get close to a man after he becomes your husband, whether it be this man or another. For now, don’t allow yourself to be used, disrespected, or dishonored. Liberate yourself, and you will be free to make good decisions without feeling shackled, and you will have Allah by your side.
The Prophet (Allah bless him and give him peace) said, “One who repents from sin is like someone without sin.” [Ibn Maja]
There is only one way to get married. A God-fearing man must want to be with you in a legal (halal) way, and he must scorn the idea of being with you illicitly. This man should then go and propose to your father, with his family possibly, and wait for an acceptance to get engaged to you. There must be no relationship before this; there is nothing beyond this but foolishness. Could you give him this ultimatum and see if he runs off like a coward and replaces you with someone else, or is he trustworthy and wants to fix this? I pray that his true character is revealed now.
Marry for religion
Make the Prophet’s advice (Allah bless him and give him peace) your number one priority. The Prophet (Allah bless him and give him peace) told us, which applies to both genders, “A woman is married for four things: for her wealth, for her lineage, for her beauty or her piety. Select the pious, or your hands will be covered in dust!” [Bukhari & Muslim]
Meanwhile, prepare for marriage by reviewing your obligatory knowledge and taking a course on marriage. Be sure not to get emotionally attached to any suitor that comes your way. Don’t make any decision except that you pray istikhara about it and consult others.
Please see these links as well:
I Want to Marry Someone, but He Wants Me to Wait Three Years
Telling My Parents About My Boyfriend
Can I Make Dua That Allah Sends My Boyfriend to Me as My Future Husband?
Should I Marry My Boyfriend or Break Off the Relationship?
Can I Marry My Secret Girlfriend?
[Ustadha] Shazia Ahmad
Checked and Approved by Shaykh Faraz Rabbani
Ustadha Shazia Ahmad lived in Damascus, Syria for two years, where she studied aqidah, fiqh, tajweed, tafsir, and Arabic. She then attended the University of Texas at Austin and completed her Masters in Arabic. Afterward, she moved to Amman, Jordan, where she studied fiqh, Arabic, and other sciences. She later moved back to Mississauga, Canada, where she lives with her family.