How Can I Stay in Touch With a Parent When the Other Disallows It?

Answered by Ustadha Shazia Ahmad

Question

A week ago, I told Person A that I should speak to Person B to maintain family ties.

Person A got so mad, that they still aren’t speaking to me properly a week later, and any little problem gets escalated. They said speaking to B after his abuse of A is tantamount to accepting the abuse, and being a two-faced hypocrite.

Person A made dua against me that I get run over. I believe now talking to B means I have lost A forever. A now genuinely believes I’m envious, like the ones mentioned in Sura al-Falaq. I can’t tell any of this to B, as they may use it to bully A. B demands that I call them regularly no matter what. If B calls whilst I’m home, it WON’T end well. A might actually kick me out, but I can’t tell B that would happen, nor can I refuse their request. What to do?

Answer

Thank you for your question. I am so sorry that you are going through this tug of war. I pray that Allah swiftly removes you from this situation and lands you in a healthier home.

Obligations

You haven’t given much detail as to who these people are, and that would shape my answer, but I assume that they are your parents. You have obligations towards your parents and staying in touch with them is necessary as it is a part of goodness to them. I feel that this is a situation where A just needs to understand that you will speak to B and that doesn’t mean that you justify abuse.

Explain that you fear God above all else and that you act out of obligation. Can B just call your cell phone? Can you keep your ringer off at home and just call B back? Can you tell them that you prefer to talk on the weekends, or when you are out somewhere? Please make a plan to move out when you can, and save yourself from this mental torture. Don’t fear the duas against you. No one’s supplications can affect you without Allah’s will and permission.

Turn to Allah

In the meantime, turn to Allah in your distress and need. Pray tahajjud, pray the Prayer of Need, supplicate for clarity, peace and positivity, give regular charity as that eliminates problems, and ask Allah to help you through this until emotions settle. Allah Most High has told us, “O believers! Seek comfort in patience and prayer. Allah truly is with those who are patient.” [Quran, 2:153]

Be steadfast in guarding your prayer, establishing good deeds, and fearing Allah as much as you can. Take out some time for self-care, good, positive friends, and fresh air and exercise. Be avid for what benefits you and stay on that path until the problems in your life dwindle, by the grace of Allah.

Please see these links as well:
How Does a Child Deal With Parents Who Fight Each Other?
My Parents Are Always Fighting. What Do I Do?
My Parents Tend to Fight Very Often: What Should I Do?

May Allah give you the best of this world and the next.
[Ustadha] Shazia Ahmad
Checked and Approved by Shaykh Faraz Rabbani

Ustadha Shazia Ahmad lived in Damascus, Syria for two years where she studied aqidah, fiqh, tajweed, tafsir, and Arabic. She then attended the University of Texas at Austin, where she completed her Masters in Arabic. Afterward, she moved to Amman, Jordan where she studied fiqh, Arabic, and other sciences. She later moved back to Mississauga, Canada, where she lives with her family.