How Can I Keep Ties with a Parent When My Custodial Parent Doesn’t Allow It?

Answered by Ustadha Shazia Ahmad

Question

I live with parent A, not parent B. Parent A learned I was speaking to parent B in secret, got really mad, and said if I did again I’d be sent to live with them. I’ve rarely seen A that angry before, such that I fear a bad beating if I am caught talking to B again or that A will get horribly sad & stressed. I fear telling A that I am going to speak to B because it will yield the same or worse results.

Can I just speak to B less often? B abused A badly and insult A randomly on a call. I think A feels that I agree with B’s abuse, but I’m scared to backbite B?

Answer

Thank you for your question. I am so sorry that you are torn between your parents when all you are doing is trying to uphold filial piety and maintain ties in a healthy way. May Allah make it easy for you to find peace between them.

Ties

It behooves any single parent to encourage their child to stay in touch with the other parent and I fail to understand why they would want the contrary. It is sinful for you to cut off one parent, and I encourage you to continue to speak to them, secretly if necessary. I also encourage you to slowly and gradually introduce the concept to your custodial parent. They should understand that you will not negotiate on this point and that if it causes them pain, their pain will lessen, and they will get used to it, and they will have the blessing of not preventing you from contact, which would be haram.

Patience

It sounds like parent A needs therapy or counseling since they have been a victim of abuse. You should encourage A to speak to someone, perhaps a good friend, an imam, or a professional, or even join a support group. I encourage you both to turn to Allah during this difficult time and to find comfort in the book of Allah and prayer. Gaining knowledge about Islam by taking courses is also extremely beneficial and healing at the same time. Busy yourself with good, the remembrance of Allah, and be patient. It takes a while to heal from trauma and parent A clearly needs more time.

Encouragement

Keep this inspiring hadith in mind and ask Allah for He loves to be asked: Abu Huraira reported Allah’s Messenger,(Allah bless him and give him peace), as saying, “Our Lord, the Blessed and the Exalted, descends every night to the lowest heaven when one-third of the latter part of the night is left and says, ‘Who supplicates Me so that I may answer him? Who asks Me so that I may give to him? Who asks Me forgiveness so that I may forgive him?’” [Muslim]

Related:
Chaos in My Life
How To Attain Focus, Patience And Stillness In A Chaotic World
How Do I Cope With the Constant Hardships and Challenges in My Life?

May Allah give you the best of this world and the next.
[Ustadha] Shazia Ahmad
Checked and Approved by Shaykh Faraz Rabbani

Ustadha Shazia Ahmad lived in Damascus, Syria for two years where she studied aqidah, fiqh, tajweed, tafsir, and Arabic. She then attended the University of Texas at Austin, where she completed her Masters in Arabic. Afterward, she moved to Amman, Jordan where she studied fiqh, Arabic, and other sciences. She later moved back to Mississauga, Canada, where she lives with her family.