How Should We Respond to Our Father Beating Us at Suhur Time?

Answered by Ustadha Shazia Ahmad

Question

My father has been abusive to our family for years. Recently, he became violent during Sehri (pre-dawn meal) and beat us when we spoke up. What does Islam say about enduring ongoing abuse from a parent? Can we defend ourselves, and how should we respond?

Answer

Thank you for your question. I deeply empathize with your pain and anger as it is impermissible for him to abuse you and obligatory for you to protect yourself from him. May such fasts of yours count as a multitude of perfect fasts.

Parental Abuse

Although Allah Most High commands us to be good to our parents, it doesn’t include enduring violence, oppression or abuse.  A parent may not abuse you in this way, and you are permitted to defend yourself to stop the abuse.

The Prophet (Allah bless him and give him peace) said,

“Help your brother whether he is an oppressor or an oppressed,” A man said, ‘O Allah’s Messenger! I will help him if he is oppressed, but if he is an oppressor, how shall I help him?’ The Prophet (Allah bless him and give him peace) said, ‘By preventing him from oppressing (others), for that is how to help him.’ [Bukhari]

The Prophet (Allah bless him and give him peace) also said,

“There should be neither harming nor reciprocating harm.” [Ibn Maja]

And he (Allah bless him and give him peace) said,

“Whoever harms others, Allah will harm him, and whoever causes hardship to others, Allah will cause hardship to him. [Abu Dawud]

Options

You should plan to move out as soon as possible, whether you are male or female to protect yourself from this toxic environment. While you live there, try not to engage him, and it would be better not to respond to him if you know it will end up in a beating. Allah knows the truth of everything he says and truth always manifests itself over falsehood. I urge you to follow these tips:

• Consider moving out when you can; plan to study and/or work.
• Seek a trusted relative or imam to mediate between you.
• Turn to Allah with regular prayer, dhikr, dua and the Prayer of Need.
• Exert patience, as you will be tremendously rewarded by Allah’s grace.
• If you fear for your safety, don’t hesitate to call the police
• Plan to forgive your father eventually because he will one day wake up.

Dua

I asked you to say this prophetic dua regularly and devote yourself to Allah Most High as He sees everything and everyone will give account for their actions:

اللَّهُمَّ إِنِّي أَعُوذُ بِكَ أَنْ أَضِلَّ أَوْ أُضَلَّ أَوْ أَزِلَّ أَوْ أُزَلَّ أَوْ أَظْلِمَ أَوْ أُظْلَمَ أَوْ أَجْهَلَ أَوْ يُجْهَلَ عَلَىَّ

“O Allah! I seek refuge in Thee lest I stray or be led astray, or slip or made to slip, or cause injustice, or suffer injustice, or do wrong, or have wrong done to me.” [Abu Dawud]

Please see more details here:

• Is It Permissible to Cut Ties with a Violent Father?
• How Do I Deal With an Abusive Father?
• My Father Assaulted My Mother and Me. Can I Move Out?
• How to Deal with Our Abusive Father?
• Being Balanced – Emotional and Mental Health- Shaykh Abdurrahim Reasat

May Allah give you the best of this world and the next.
[Ustadha] Shazia Ahmad
Checked and Approved by Shaykh Irshaad Sedick

Ustadha Shazia Ahmad lived in Damascus, Syria, for two years, where she studied ‘aqida, fiqh, tajweed, tafsir, and Arabic. She then attended the University of Texas at Austin, where she completed her Masters in Arabic. Afterward, she moved to Amman, Jordan, where she studied fiqh, Arabic, and other sciences. She later moved back to Mississauga, Canada, where she lives with her family.