Answered by Ustadha Shazia Ahmad

Question

My elder brother has distressed the entire family for years. All my childhood traumas are attributed to the fights he caused throughout the years. My mother has chronic stress and health issues from him. I need a few prayers to protect myself from him. Since I am the youngest, it will be a while before I can begin earning enough to move out, but I am afraid that my elder brother, who is useless, might try to impede my progress. Other than that, I don’t care where he declines in life. Will I get a sin for not caring? Because when I try caring, I start declining and going into depression because it’s like his logical thinking has melted away, maybe as a punishment.

Answer

Thank you for your question. I empathize with your frustration, suffering, and pain due to your elder brother, and I pray that you find a way to eventually help him without being harmed by him.

Not Caring

Jubayr Ibn Mut‘im reported on the authority of his father that Allah’s Messenger (Allah bless him and give him peace) said, “The severer would not enter Paradise.” Ibn ‘Umar said that Sufyan (explained it as): ‘One who severs the tie of kinship would not enter Paradise.’ [Muslim] This does not mean that you allow yourself to be abused by someone toxic and dangerous. And this also doesn’t mean that you are sinful for not caring. Treat everyone around you fairly, follow the guidance of Islam, fear God, and your heart will be in the right place, in sha Allah.

The Prophet (Allah bless him and give him peace) said, “The believer who mixes with people and bears their annoyance with patience will have a greater reward than the believer who does not mix with people and does not put up with their annoyance.” [Ibn Maja]

Protect Yourself

The Prophet (Allah bless him and give him peace) said, “There should be neither harming nor reciprocating harm.” [Ibn Maja] I recommend that you minimize contact with him as much as you can to protect yourself from his behavior. Don’t intend to cut him off completely unless necessary to protect yourself. Sometimes it is the youngest child who sees the truth of the matter because he has the time and patience to learn from the mistakes of his elders. I find that you have good foresight in seeing that he can post a big problem for you later on. Do your best to plan around him. Don’t fear him impeding your progress, nobody can get in the way of the will of God if He wants you to succeed.

Dua

 اللَّهُمَّ إِنِّي أَعُوذُ بِكَ مِنَ الْهَمِّ وَالْحَزَنِ، وَالْعَجْزِ وَالْكَسَلِ، وَالْجُبْنِ وَالْبُخْلِ، وَضَلَعِ الدَّيْنِ، وَغَلَبَةِ الرِّجَالِ ‏‏‏

The Prophet (Allah bless him and give him peace) used to say, “O Allah! I seek refuge with You from worry and grief, from incapacity and laziness, from cowardice and miserliness, from being heavily in debt, and from being overpowered by (other) men.” [Bukhari]

Please see these links for more details on cutting ties of kinship:

• What is the Minimum Amount of Relationship I Have to Keep with a Relative I Hate?
• How to Maintain Ties of Kinship Despite Hateful Siblings?
• Can We Break Family Ties With Siblings Who Treat Us Badly?

May Allah give you the best of this world and the next.
[Ustadha] Shazia Ahmad
Checked and Approved by Shaykh Irshaad Sedick

Ustadha Shazia Ahmad lived in Damascus, Syria, for two years, where she studied aqida, fiqh, tajweed, tafsir, and Arabic. She then attended the University of Texas at Austin and completed her Master’s in Arabic. Afterward, she moved to Amman, Jordan, where she studied fiqh, Arabic, and other sciences. She later moved back to Mississauga, Canada, where she lives with her family.