What Are My Rights as the Eldest Child?
Answered by Ustadha Shazia Ahmad
Question
What are my rights towards my father and his rights towards me? I am the eldest, but my father never talks to me about problems or appreciates my efforts. He often compares me to others and excludes me from important decisions, like my sister’s upcoming wedding. How should I handle this situation?
Answer
Thank you for your question. Your rights include being respected, loved, taught your Islamic obligations, and adequately housed, clothed, and fed. However, these rights do not include being consulted about family wedding decisions.
Please see details of your answer here:
What Are My Duties as the Eldest Son as I Don’t Have a Father?
Rights of the Eldest Child
The Role of The Elder Sister
Rights of Children in Detail
Respect and Fairness
The Messenger of Allah said: “Treat your children fairly, treat your children fairly.” [Nasa’i]
It doesn’t sound like the problem is that you are not getting your rights as the eldest. I believe you are suffering from general mistreatment and disrespect by your father. This is wrong and unfair. He should treat his children equally and show, love and respect to all while appreciating the different talents and skills that each has. It can be hard to change a man and I ask you to do only what you can do.
Tips
-Display noble prophetic character and be patient
-Turn to Allah by channelling your complaints into dua
-Learn and practice your religion by fulfilling your obligations
-Make religious and secular goals for yourself and pursue them
-Don’t get angry no matter how he treats you, silence shows him your excellence
-Remember that Allah Most High will reward you for every atom of good, so seek help only from Him
-Don’t accept abuse, you are allowed to firmly and politely ask him to stop comparing you to others
-Take care of your mental health and physical health
Dua
Please say this dua daily:
اللّهُمَّ اقْسِم لَنا مِن خَشيَتِكَ ما تَحُولُ بِه بَينَنا وبَينَ مَعْصِيَتِك، ومِن طَاعَتِكَ ما تُبَلِّغُنا بِه جَنَّتَكَ، وَمِن اليَقينِ ما تُهَوِّنُ بِه عَلَينا مَصائِبَ الدُّنيا، اللَّهُمَّ مَتِّعْنا بِأسْماعِنا وأبْصارِنا وقُوَّتِنا ما أحْيَيتَنا، واجْعَلْهُ الوارِثَ مِنّا، واجْعلْ ثَأْرَنا عَلى مَن ظَلَمَنا، وانْصُرْنا عَلى مَن عادانا، ولا تَجْعَلْ مُصِيبَتَنا في دِينِنا، ولا تَجْعَل الدُّنْيا أكْبَرَ هَمِّنا، وَلا مَبْلَغَ عِلْمِنا، وَلا تُسَلِّطْ عَلَينا مَن لا يَرْحَمُنا.
O Allah, apportion to us such fear as should serve as a barrier between us and acts of disobedience; and such obedience as will take us to Your Jannah; and such certitude as will make easy for us to bear in the calamities of this world. O, Allah! let us enjoy our hearing, sight and strength as long as You keep us alive and make our heirs from our offspring. Make our revenge restricted to those who oppress us, and support us against those hostile to us. Let no misfortune afflict our religion; let not worldly affairs be our principal concern or the ultimate limit of our knowledge, and let not anyone rule over us who does not fear you in how they treat us and who does not show mercy to us. [Tirmidhi]
Please see these links as well:
What Should I Do About Parents Being Rude to Me?
How Can I Deal With a Father Who Abuses Me and Slanders Me?
How Can I Deal With My Father Who Is Angry and Unforgiving With Us?
How Can I Continue Living with a Father Who Doesn’t Treat Me Well?
How Should I Handle Abusive Parents?
May Allah give you the best of this world and the next.
[Ustadha] Shazia Ahmad
Checked and Approved by Shaykh Irshaad Sedick
Ustadha Shazia Ahmad lived in Damascus, Syria for two years where she studied aqida, fiqh, tajweed, tafsir, and Arabic. She then attended the University of Texas at Austin, where she completed her Masters in Arabic. Afterward, she moved to Amman, Jordan where she studied fiqh, Arabic, and other sciences. She later moved back to Mississauga, Canada, where she lives with her family.
