Answered by Ustadha Shazia Ahmad
My mother has always promised to marry me to the person of my choice as soon as I secure a job. I approached a girl for marriage, and in talking to her for a week, I was completely enchanted. I told my mother, who flatly refused because she is a lesser caste (even though she is Syed).
Painfully, I stopped talking to her. I have stayed away from girls all my life and didn’t have any close friends to preserve my religion. I have been at boarding school since I was 12. I have always felt lonely and deprived of affection. My parents don’t get along well either. They provide me with material comfort, but I still feel resentment towards them.
How do I stop feeling that?
Thank you for your question. I am sorry that you have gone through a difficult and lonely childhood but I am certain that because of your patience and perseverance, your life will be filled with blessings and goodness at every corner, by Allah’s grace.
Choosing a Spouse
First and foremost, did you choose this girl for religion? I recommend that you approach a girl mainly for her religion and that you pray istikhara at the onset of this endeavor.
This is from the advice of the Prophet (Allah bless him and give him peace), who said, “A woman is married for four things: for her wealth, for her lineage, for her beauty or her piety. Select the pious, or your hands will be covered in dust!” [Bukhari; Muslim]
Imam Munawi mentions in his commentary that “if a woman is married for these reasons, the real aim is to marry her for religion. So select the pious woman and approach her, and don’t look at anything else, or your hands will be impoverished and covered in dust from poverty.” [Munawi, Fayd al-Qadir]
That being said, the fact that you immediately dropped this girl from your mind as soon as your mother asked you to, shows me the deep love, respect, and honor that you have for your parents. This will not go unrewarded, in sha Allah.
Bahz ibn Hakim’s grandfather said, “I asked, ‘O Messenger of Allah, to whom should I be dutiful?’ ‘Your mother,’ he replied. I asked, ‘Then whom?’ ‘Your mother,’ he replied. I asked, ‘Then whom?’ ‘Your mother,’ he replied. I asked, ‘Then to whom should I be dutiful?’ ‘Your father,’ he replied, ‘and then the next closest relative and then the next.’” [Bukhari]
You are correct that a girl should not be refused based on her caste. I recommend that you speak to your mother openly about the issue and explain to her the hurt you feel, without getting angry. Tell her that she should hasten in showing you some girls because you are ready and there is no reason to wait. Tell her that you expect her to be open-minded and not picky. Tell her that you expect her to fulfill her promise and that you will fulfill yours. Openly communicating with them is the only way to get rid of your resentment. Bottling up your emotions will only make it worse and cause the resentment to grow.
Turn to Allah
During this confusing time, you should turn to Allah by praying on time, reading Quran daily, and supplicating for clarity and guidance. Trust in Allah, and continuously ask Him for clarity, guidance, and contentment. Pray the Prayer of Need and rise before dawn to communicate with your Lord. If you are marrying with the right intention, Allah will facilitate the perfect match for you, even if you have to meet a few girls before you find the right one.
Try not to decide by emotion, but approach this logically and wisely, and with parental support. Although, as a man, you don’t need your parent’s permission to marry, you should attempt to make this a joyous decision with everyone’s consent. It’s the best way to start any marriage. Make sure to take a class on Islamic Marriage before you jump into this, as you must learn your rights and responsibilities before this undertaking.
Please see the links below for more tips.
Why Are My Parents Refusing My Future Spouse?
How Can I Convince My Parents to Accept My Desired Spouse?
Do I Have to Marry Someone Within My Caste to Please My Family?
May Allah give you the best of this world and the next.
[Ustadha] Shazia Ahmad
Checked and Approved by Shaykh Faraz Rabbani
Ustadha Shazia Ahmad lived in Damascus, Syria for two years where she studied aqidah, fiqh, tajweed, tafsir, and Arabic. She then attended the University of Texas at Austin, where she completed her Masters in Arabic. Afterward, she moved to Amman, Jordan where she studied fiqh, Arabic, and other sciences. She later moved back to Mississauga, Canada, where she lives with her family.