How Can I Respect My Messy and Incapable Mother?

Answered by Ustadha Shazia Ahmad

Question

How can I build respect for my mother despite her being messy and unable to cook?

Answer

Thank you for your question. The first thing is to change your attitude and realize that you are alive because of her. That should be a sufficient starting point if not enough on its own.

Mother’s Rank

Allah Most High said in the Quran,

“And your Lord has decreed that you not worship except Him, and to parents, good treatment. Whether one or both of them reach old age (while) with you, say not to them (so much as), “uff,” and do not repel them but speak to them a noble word.” [Quran, 17:23]

A person came to the Messenger of Allah (Allah bless him and give him peace) and asked, “Who among people is most deserving of my fine treatment?” He said, ”Your mother.” He again asked, “Who next?” ”Your mother,” the Prophet (Allah bless him and give him peace) replied again. He asked, “Who next?” He said again, “Your mother.” He again asked, “Then who?” Thereupon he said, “Then your father.”

In another narration: “O Messenger of Allah! Who is most deserving of my fine treatment?” He said, “Your mother, then your mother, then your mother, then your father, then your nearest, then nearest.” [Bukhari; Muslim]

Ibn ‘Umar (Allah be pleased with him) saw a Yemeni man circumambulating the Ka`ba, carrying his mother on his back, saying: “I am her humble camel; if other mounts spook easily, I do not.”  Then he said: “O Ibn ‘Umar, do you think I have paid her back?” He said: “No, not even one contraction.” [Bukhari]

Tips

I advise you to clean and cook for her and not complain. After you have eliminated your bad manners, give her loving advice by printing recipes or showing her videos or books on how to organize and run a home. Don’t ever judge, or get angry, or criticize.

Speak to her as though the Prophet (Allah bless him and give him peace) is sitting in the room watching you, if not, then know that your Lord is watching you. Show gratitude for all that she does and has done, and ask Allah to improve your state.

Please see these links as well:

• How Can I Deal With My Difficult Mother in a Respectful Way?
• How Can I Stop Being Disrespectful to My Parents?
• How Do I Better My Relationship With My Mother?
• Is It Bad That I Do Not Love My Mother Because of All the Stress That She Gives Me?
• How Should I Approach My Messy and Untidy In-Laws?
• My Mother Is Making Me Lose My Mind

May Allah give you the best of this world and the next.
[Ustadha] Shazia Ahmad
Checked and Approved by Shaykh Irshaad Sedick

Ustadha Shazia Ahmad lived in Damascus, Syria, for two years, where she studied ‘aqida, fiqh, tajweed, tafsir, and Arabic. She then attended the University of Texas at Austin, where she completed her Masters in Arabic. Afterward, she moved to Amman, Jordan, where she studied fiqh, Arabic, and other sciences. She later moved back to Mississauga, Canada, where she lives with her family.