How Should I Be a Good Daughter to an Abusive Father?

Answered by Ustadha Shazia Ahmad

Question

My father is emotionally abusive and neglectful despite efforts from my mother and even a scholar’s intervention. He threatens us, shows no concern for our needs, and leaves all responsibility on my mother. What should I do to move forward while fulfilling my duties in Islam?

Answer

Thank you for your question. I empathize with your pain, and I pray that even if your father doesn’t change, you remain a dutiful and pious child who is well rewarded for your efforts.

Abuse

Although Allah Most High commands us to be good to our parents, it doesn’t include enduring neglect, oppression, or emotional abuse. It is obligatory to protect yourself as best you can.

The Prophet (Allah bless him and give him peace) said,

“Help your brother whether he is an oppressor or an oppressed,” A man said, ‘O Allah’s Messenger! I will help him if he is oppressed, but if he is an oppressor, how shall I help him?’ The Prophet (Allah bless him and give him peace) said, ‘By preventing him from oppressing (others), for that is how to help him.’ [Bukhari]

The Prophet (Allah bless him and give him peace) also said,

“There should be neither harming nor reciprocating harm.” [Ibn Maja]

And the Messenger of Allah (Allah bless him and give him peace) said,

“Whoever harms others, Allah will harm him, and whoever causes hardship to others, Allah will cause hardship to him. [Abu Dawud]

The Messenger of Allah (Allah bless him and give him peace) also said,

“It is shockingly wicked for a person to withhold from those he is to provide for.” [Muslim]

Dutiful

You should move out as soon as possible, whether you are male or female, to protect yourself from this toxic environment. While you live there, try not to engage him when he is being abusive and help your mother as best you can. Study well and/or earn well so you can help her financially and relieve some of the burden. To be good to him, do small things for him, help him when he needs it, and display good character.

Read the Quran and pray in front of him so he is reminded of God, and you are being plenty dutiful if you speak to him gently and politely. However, do communicate when something hurts your feelings and have faith that things will get better.

I urge you to follow these tips:

• Move out when you can; plan your path of study and work.
• Seek another trusted relative or imam to mediate between you, even though the first didn’t work out.
• Turn to Allah with regular prayer, dhikr, du`a and the Prayer of Need especially at tahajjud time.
• Find solace in the Quran because it contains an answer, a comfort, and a reminder for everyone’s problems.
• Exert patience, and remember that responding to him with silence is excellence to him as his child, and Allah will tremendously reward you with His grace.
• Try to forgive your father eventually because he is treating you as well as he knows how, due to his upbringing.

Dua

I asked you to say this prophetic dua regularly and devote yourself to Allah Most High as He sees everything and everyone will give account for their actions:

اللَّهُمَّ إِنِّي أَعُوذُ بِكَ أَنْ أَضِلَّ أَوْ أُضَلَّ أَوْ أَزِلَّ أَوْ أُزَلَّ أَوْ أَظْلِمَ أَوْ أُظْلَمَ أَوْ أَجْهَلَ أَوْ يُجْهَلَ عَلَىَّ

“O Allah! I seek refuge in Thee lest I stray or be led astray, or slip or made to slip, or cause injustice, or suffer injustice, or do wrong, or have wrong done to me.” [Abu Dawud]

Please see more details here:

• How to Deal with an Emotionally Abusive Father?
• How Should I Handle Abusive Parents?
• How Do We Deal With Parents Who Emotionally Abuse Their Children?
• How to Deal with the Emotional Abuse of My Father?
• How Do I Deal With an Abusive Father?
• My Parents Emotionally and Physically Abuse Me, Can You Help Me?
• How to Deal With Emotionally Abusive Parents
• How Do I Handle My Abusive Father Without Disrespecting Him?
• Is It Backbiting To Complain About an Abusive Father?
• How Do I Deal with an Abusive Father and His Constant Shouting and Cursing?
• Being Balanced – Emotional and Mental Health- Shaykh Abdurrahim Reasat

May Allah give you the best of this world and the next.
[Ustadha] Shazia Ahmad
Checked and Approved by Shaykh Irshaad Sedick

Ustadha Shazia Ahmad lived in Damascus, Syria, for two years, where she studied ‘aqida, fiqh, tajweed, tafsir, and Arabic. She then attended the University of Texas at Austin, where she completed her Masters in Arabic. Afterward, she moved to Amman, Jordan, where she studied fiqh, Arabic, and other sciences. She later moved back to Mississauga, Canada, where she lives with her family.