How Can I Convince My Fiancé That Looks Are Not Everything?

Question: I have met a girl whom I did not like at first, but over 8 months she has demonstrated to me that she is not spoilt and materialistic. We decided to keep it halal, and our nikah is soon. But while I love her and am able to look past her physical appearance, she is not able to do that for me. I know this was a test for her in her past. The Qur’an tells us that “Perhaps you dislike something which is good for you and like something which is bad for you. Allah knows and you do not know.“ [Qur’an, 2:216] How can I explain this verse to her?

Answer:

Assalamu alaykum,

Thank you for your question. I am sorry that she is having doubts close to the nikah, and I commend you for being strong and loving and for standing by her side.

 

Looks Are Not Everything

Tell her to take the Prophetic advice, “A woman is married for four things: for her wealth, for her lineage, for her beauty, or for her piety. Select the pious, may you be blessed!“ [Bukhari and Muslim] This applies to a suitor as well.

A man’s good character and religion is the most important thing in a marriage and is the most everlasting. She must not be consumed by this point of attraction, and she should weigh the important things against insignificant things. A person’s beauty always comes out with their good character, kindness, generosity, and even in the way that they carry themselves and their dress and hygiene.

 

Istikhara

The single most useful and trustworthy method for making big decisions is the Prayer of Seeking Guidance (Istikhara). I pray that she took advantage of this gift and asked Allah to help her decide whether she should commit to you. On what basis did she accept you? Why are her doubts creeping up now? Are you not religious? If you do not pray, I can automatically tell you that you are not the right person for her. Please see these links:
https://seekersguidance.org/answers/hanafi-fiqh/istikhara-the-prayer-of-seeking-guidance/
https://seekersguidance.org/articles/general-artices/the-reality-of-istikhara/

May Allah bless you both in your union and give you peace of mind and happiness and the best of both worlds.

[Ustadha] Shazia Ahmad

Checked and Approved by Shaykh Faraz Rabbani

Ustadha Shazia Ahmad lived in Damascus, Syria for two years where she studied aqidah, fiqh, tajweed, tafseer, and Arabic. She then attended the University of Texas at Austin, where she completed her Masters in Arabic. Afterward, she moved to Amman, Jordan where she studied fiqh, Arabic, and other sciences. She recently moved back to Mississauga, Canada, where she lives with her family.