Answered by Ustadha Shazia Ahmad
We recently discovered that our daughter, who is nearly 20 years old, identifies as queer. She’s in a sexual relationship with a girl and has moved in with her. She doesn’t pray or cover but says she’s Muslim. My husband and I have tried to encourage her to move back in with us, but she refuses, saying she doesn’t want to be pressured daily into changing her ways as this is her, and she’s not changing. What would you advise in the relationship we keep with her? How to deal with the community if it comes out?
Thank you for your follow-up question. This is definitely not an easy situation, and I pray that your daughter finds the truth of what she should do. All you can do now is nurture your relationship with her.
You are her biggest connection to Islam right now. You should be the Islamic inspiration in her life, and seeing you should remind her of God. Be the best Muslim that you can be since you need to serve as her role model. Don’t miss your prayers, learn about your religion, read a bit of the Qur’an with the meaning daily, cover, serve others, give charity and help others in need. Show her that Allah and His Messenger come first in your life.
Spend time with her, nurture your relationship with her, go out with her and make sure that you and your husband are a constant in her life. She should feel loved by you, despite her life choices. Don’t let her girlfriend come to your home and don’t go to hers, but meet elsewhere and call her regularly. Talk about everything else under the sun and not just her lifestyle. If she won’t move back in, let her, at least, feel like you are still a big part of her life. When she feels close to you, she will start reflecting on her choices.
Another thing you might do is introduce Islam to her girlfriend. Perhaps she will be your daughter’s path to salvation. Things work in wondrous ways, people can change in an instant, and situations can be turned overnight. Anything is possible. Have faith, pray and task yourself with serving your family and this ummah in the best way possible.
Rely on Allah
Your only hope is that she turns to Islam herself and makes the right choice for herself. You can’t force it. This is her test, and you have to let her make mistakes, no matter how heartbreaking, before she realizes the truth. The door of repentance is always open, and she has time to change herself. Ask Allah to guide her and pray for her before dawn when Allah is keen to answer supplication. Pray the Prayer of Need. See these links for more tips:
It is inevitable that some from your community will find out about this. Don’t worry, ignore it, and don’t talk to anyone about it that doesn’t offer you practical advice, care, and concern. Let those who will gossip, gossip, and find joy in taking their good deeds from them. Don’t be apologetic, for they have nothing to do with it, and just ask for their prayers if they bring it up. It may be that your daughter’s actions will separate your real friends from those who don’t benefit you.
May Allah give you the best of this world and the next.
[Ustadha] Shazia Ahmad
Checked and Approved by Shaykh Faraz Rabbani
Ustadha Shazia Ahmad lived in Damascus, Syria, for two years, where she studied aqidah, fiqh, tajweed, Tafseer, and Arabic. She then attended the University of Texas at Austin, where she completed her Master’s in Arabic. Afterward, she moved to Amman, Jordan, where she studied fiqh, Arabic, and other sciences. She recently moved back to Mississauga, Canada, where she lives with her family.