How to Deal with a Break-Up in a Haram Relationship?
Answered by Ustadha Shazia Ahmad
I need advice as this is affecting me a lot. I am 16 and I was in a relationship for 3 years. He broke up with me because he wanted to focus on his studies and I told him I was going to wait for him so he can marry me and make it permissible. But he told me not to wait for him and to focus on myself but I cannot. I can’t imagine him being with someone else. Is he not meant to be with me? I can never love another like him.
Thank you for your question. I empathize with your pain. Being emotionally deep in a relationship to find it cut off in the end, with no imminent future is deeply hurtful.
It’s the Right Thing
If you can fight back your tears for one moment and separate yourself from the pain for a minute, you might see that this ex-boyfriend of yours is doing the right thing. By breaking up with you, he is doing the following:
- He is giving you a tremendous amount of dignity and respect back which you had lost by being with him
- He is taking away Allah’s displeasure by stopping the haram (impermissible).
- He is compelling you to not be distracted by love at such a young age but to focus on bigger and more important things
- He is not making a promise to you that he can’t keep
Get Back in Control
I want you to get back in control of your life. When you have given your heart to someone just over the tender age of puberty, you are blinded by it. You are fettered to the lust and thought of love more than the person himself. You will understand what I mean in the future, maybe not now. The Prophet (Allah bless him and grant him peace) said, “Your love for a thing causes blindness and deafness.” [Abu Dawud]
Allah Most High, First
Let’s put Allah Most High back on top. Your number one priority is your Lord. He will never break your heart, never leave you, never disappoint you and continue to shower blessings on you whether you deserve them or not. He is also ready at every moment to accept repentance.
Allah’s Messenger (Allah bless him and grant him peace) said, “Our Lord, the Blessed, the Superior, comes every night down on the nearest Heaven to us when the last third of the night remains, saying, ‘Is there anyone to invoke Me, so that I may respond to invocation? Is there anyone to ask Me, so that I may grant him his request? Is there anyone seeking My forgiveness, so that I may forgive him?’” [Bukhari]
Pray on time five times a day, pay your zakat on time (you are morally responsible to pay it if you have enough money), make up any missed fasts, cover yourself Islamically when you leave the house, and read some Quran every day. “Surely in the remembrance of Allah do hearts find comfort.” [Quran, 13:28]
Most importantly, take a course on personally obligatory knowledge and find good religious company among friends and family.
It’s time to move on. Unfollow him on social media, delete his phone number, and put him in the past. Donate any relationship reminders to charity, such as stuffed toys or cards. Take up a beneficial hobby, exercise every day, take supplements, and eat healthily. Now is the time to develop good habits so you can learn how to deal with pain. There is a great life lesson in this, whether you see it now or not.
Every time you think of him, immediately push him out of your mind and make dhikr or bless the Prophet. Say “Allahumma salli ‘ala Muhammad”, or, “SubhanAllah, wa al HamduliLlah, wa la ilaha illa Allah, wa Allahu Akbar.” I know that you will overcome this and time heals most pains. Trust in Allah Most High, and promise yourself never to have another boyfriend, but instead marry at the right time. May Allah Most High reward you for asking your question here and trying to better yourself.
Abu Dharr (Allah be pleased with him) reported: The Messenger of Allah (Allah bless him and grant him peace) said, “Allah Almighty says: Whoever comes with a good deed will have the reward of ten like it and even more. Whoever comes with an evil deed will be recompensed for one evil deed like it or he will be forgiven. Whoever draws close to me by the length of a hand, I will draw close to him by the length of an arm. Whoever draws close to me by the length of an arm, I will draw close to him by the length of a fathom. Whoever comes to me walking, I will come to him running. Whoever meets me with enough sins to fill the earth, not associating any idols with me, I will meet him with as much forgiveness.” [Muslim]
[Ustadha] Shazia Ahmad
Checked and Approved by Shaykh Faraz Rabbani
Ustadha Shazia Ahmad lived in Damascus, Syria for two years where she studied aqida, fiqh, tajweed, tafsir, and Arabic. She then attended the University of Texas at Austin, where she completed her Masters in Arabic. Afterward, she moved to Amman, Jordan where she studied fiqh, Arabic, and other sciences. She later moved back to Mississauga, Canada, where she lives with her family.