I Ruined Someone’s Marriage. Do I Ask Her for Forgiveness?
Answered by Ustadha Shazia Ahmad
Question
About 12 years ago, something happened with a girl that I wanted as my second wife, but I can’t get over the guilt. We became close, kissed and hugged, and wanted to marry but her family forced her to marry her cousin. I told her to go ahead and marry him, and if he divorced her then I would marry her.
She took this literally and told her cousin not to touch her on the wedding night because after getting divorced, she would marry me. Her husband and brother called me and cursed me but I told them that it wasn’t true. I only said that to calm her down because she would self-harm and I wanted her marriage to work. She called me continuously to come and take her during her marriage but eventually, I cut her off because of all the madness.
I have realized my immaturity now, and I want to repent. Do I ask her for forgiveness? Did I break an oath? I ruined her marriage and her reputation.
Answer
Thank you for your question. I am sorry that you went through so much pain with someone. Truly, you are repentant and you did the right thing by cutting her off. I pray that she does have a happy marriage and finds tawfiq in her life.
Asking for forgiveness
You don’t need to contact the girl to ask for forgiveness, as this would aggravate her pain and bring back memories that she may have well-healed from now. Turn to Allah in sincere repentance and be sure not to try to initiate any kind of relationship with a potential second wife. This is not recommended by scholars except in areas and families where this is widely accepted and acknowledged. Making tawba like this is sufficient and you have done more by donating reward of good deeds on her behalf. May Allah reward you for this.
Oath
This is not considered an oath. Please see the following link:
What is the Difference Between a Promise, an Oath, and a Vow?
Move forward
The best thing that you can do when you feel guilty about a sin is to be the best Muslim you can be and fear Allah as much as you can. Allah commands us in the Qur’an, “So fear Allah as much as you are able and listen and obey…“ [Qur’an, 64:16]
Learn your obligatory knowledge, apply it, pray on time, pay zakat on time, and read some Qur’an every day with the meaning. Be a generous and helpful husband and teach your children with love and patience. You may give some charity on the girl’s behalf, but honestly, the less you think about her the better. Be grateful for the lessons you have learned from this.
May Allah give you tawfiq and happiness in your family and hers.
[Ustadha] Shazia Ahmad
Checked and Approved by Shaykh Faraz Rabbani
Ustadha Shazia Ahmad lived in Damascus, Syria, for two years, where she studied Aqidah, Fiqh, Tajweed, Tafseer, and Arabic. She then attended the University of Texas at Austin, where she completed her Master’s in Arabic. Afterward, she moved to Amman, Jordan, where she studied Fiqh, Arabic, and other sciences. She recently moved back to Mississauga, Canada, where she lives with her family.
