Ustadha Raidah Shah Idil is asked about a mother who vehemently dislikes the husband of a sister, and how she can best deal with the threats she faces.
Assalam alaykum wa rahmat Allah wa barakatuh.
Should I get a divorce because my mother doesn’t like my husband, and says she never will? She said that if I wanted to leave and go and be with him at my home, she’ll take my passport and social away because she knows I can’t survive without it.
Does that mean my marriage won’t be good because she doesn’t support it? Does that make me a bad person? She doesn’t want to make amends and is making me choose between him or her.
Wa alaykum assalam wa rahmat Allah wa barakatuh.
I pray this finds you well. May Allah reward you for reaching out to us.
Dear sister, I am very sorry that your mother is putting you in this impossible situation. When parents are deeply troubled and fearful for their adult children, then they can behave in damaging and controlling ways. What your mother is doing is sinful because she is causing you emotional harm and trying to break up your marriage.
Please do not get a divorce just because of what your mother said. It can be so, so difficult to make your own choices as an adult when you have a controlling and disapproving parent, but it does get easier with practice, and distance.
Please know that you can still make choices to protect yourself and your marriage. Do not cut ties with your mother, but do work on setting stronger boundaries. Speak to a culturally-sensitive counselor if you need to. It is natural to want to please your mother, but not at the cost of your marriage.
Why does your mother disapprove of your husband? Is he hurting you? Or is he a good man who recognizes the harm your mother is causing you?
Dear sister, please know that you are not a bad person. Your marriage can still be a loving and rewarding one.
I encourage you to use apps such as Calm and Head-space to help you make space for your feelings of stress, agitation and/or anxiety.
Please read and listen to Qur’an to soothe your pain.
If your mother is threatening to keep your passport, then you must keep it safe, because that is your property. Please secure your valuables and keep them locked and away from your mother.
I do not know the logistics behind your situation, but is your mother keeping you away from your husband, against your will? Is there anyone you can call for help?
Please gather your belongings and when you are in a safe position to do so, please return to your husband. Please limit your contact with your mother, until your well-being and the safety of your marriage is restored.
Time is often the best remedy for broken hearts. That being said, if your mother is determined to still have a poor opinion of your husband, then it is better for you to accept that she will not change.
You can still live a good life, have a loving marriage, and raise your children well. It is okay to feel sad that she disapproves of your husband – just don’t let this sadness overtake your entire life, and eclipse all of your other blessings.
Please keep in touch. I pray that Allah heals your heart, your mother’s and reunites you with your husband.
Checked and approved by Shaykh Faraz Rabbani.