Can We Delay Marriage to Complete Our Studies?

Answered by Shaykh Irshaad Sedick

Question

I am 19, and she is 17. We both want to marry early, but her family opposes me, and she has about 9 years of medical school ahead of her. Should we prioritize marriage or education, and may we keep communicating with marriage as the intention?

Answer

In the name of Allah, the Most Merciful and the Most Compassionate.

I realize that this situation is important to you, and I’d like to make it clear that I take your worries seriously. Part of your question has a straightforward answer, and that answer relates to all the other points.

The Communication

Private communication is forbidden even if you intend to get married. Good intentions aren’t enough to make something permissible if it isn’t. You must cease all communication until you are married; otherwise, you will not receive blessings in this regard.

Allah (Most High) says, “But if any of you cannot afford to marry a free believing woman, then ˹let him marry˺ a believing bondwoman possessed by one of you.

Allah knows best ˹the state of˺ your faith ˹and theirs˺. You are from one another. So marry them with the permission of their owners, giving them their dowry in fairness, if they are chaste, neither promiscuous nor having secret affairs…” [Quran, 4:25]

This may be difficult, but it must be clearly stated. Instead, Sacred Law allows you to make a proposal. You should approach her guardian, and you may see her face and hands, as the Prophet did before engagement. After that, everything should be done openly. [Keller, Reliance of the Traveller, m2.2]

Why Her Family Cannot Be Bypassed

Marriage is not valid except with a guardian and two upright witnesses. [Nawawi, Minhaj al-Talibin] The guardian is an integral of the contract, since a woman does not conduct her own marriage, on the strength of the hadith, “Let no woman marry a woman to another, nor marry herself to another.” [Ibn Maja; Daraqutni]

So there is no private route to this. You should also know that a guardian’s own shortcomings in religion do not strip him of his guardianship, since most of the later Shafi’i scholars hold that a sinful man may still be a valid guardian. [Keller, Reliance of the Traveler, m3.4]

Where a guardian refuses to marry his charge to a suitable match, the recourse is the Islamic judge, who then contracts the marriage himself. [Keller, Reliance of the Traveler, m3.9] That is a formal and public process, not something two young people arrange between themselves.

Marriage or Medicine

This is not the choice you think it is. Sacred Law does not require her to give up studying medicine, and there is no urgent decision to make right now. She is seventeen, and her guardian does not accept you. At this time, you cannot make a lawful proposal, so there is nothing to choose between yet.

I want to add something gently. If she wears hijab and prays only because you encourage her, and not from her own belief, it may not last through the years ahead. Give her space to make her religious practice her own.

What to Do Now

Stop all private contact now and ask for forgiveness for what has happened. Focus on your studies and work to become the kind of person her guardian would respect.

If, when you are able to marry, her family still refuses without a valid reason, seek help from a qualified scholar or an Islamic court where you live, instead of trying to solve it yourself. If things still do not work out, our archive advises honestly: you may need to move on, and Allah will always provide for you.

You have prayed istikhara. Istikhara is not about waiting for a dream, but about asking Allah to guide you and then taking action. Part of your answer has already come through the ruling you received. Trust this process. Allah is not keeping good from you; He is arranging it for you.

And Allah knows best.

[Shaykh] Irshaad Sedick
Checked and Approved by Shaykh Faraz Rabbani

Shaykh Irshaad Sedick was raised in South Africa in a traditional Muslim family. He graduated from Dar al-Ulum al-Arabiyyah al-Islamiyyah in Strand, Western Cape, under the guidance of the late world-renowned scholar Shaykh Taha Karaan (Allah have mercy on him), where he taught.

Shaykh Irshaad received Ijaza from many luminaries of the Islamic world, including Shaykh Taha Karaan, Shaykh Muhammad Awama, Shaykh Muhammad Hasan Hitu, and Mawlana Abdul Hafeez Makki, among others.

He is the author of the text “The Musnad of Ahmad ibn Hanbal: A Hujjah or not?” He has been the Director of the Discover Islam Centre, and for six years, he has been the Khatib of Masjid Ar-Rashideen, Mowbray, Cape Town.

Shaykh Irshaad has fifteen years of teaching experience at some of the leading Islamic institutes in Cape Town). He is currently building an Islamic podcast, education, and media platform called ‘Isnad Academy’ and has completed his Master’s degree in the study of Islam at the University of Johannesburg. He has a keen interest in healthy Prophetic living and fitness.