Answered by Ustadha Raidah Shah Idil
Question: Assalam aleykum,
I have dealt with doubt about my husband’s attraction to me since we got married.
Seeing another religious public figure fall from grace has reignited my fears.
I love my husband, and I don’t ever want to lose him, but my fears get the better of me sometimes, and I am really at a loss on how to deal with this anxiety. Is it healthy to confront him about it so that we can deal with my anxiety together?
Answer: Assalamualaykum wa rahmatullahi wa barakatuh,
I pray this finds you well. May Allah reward you for reaching out to us.
It is indeed unfortunate that another public figure has fallen from grace in the Muslim community. It sounds like this incident has triggered a long-standing fear within you.
Wives of public religious figures do have reason to be worried. Power corrupts, and only Prophets (upon them be blessings and peace) are protected from sin. For some, the temptation proves too great. Others are protected through their own fear and love for Allah and commitment to their marriages.
On that note, it is still very possible for you and your husband to work as a team, and safeguard your marriage.
The truth of the matter is this – there is always going to be a woman who is more attractive than you. By the same token, there is also always going to be a man who is more attractive than your husband.
What is stopping you from embarking on an affair with a more handsome man? Please reflect on this. Trust yourself. Trust your husband. Take the steps you need to build that trust between the two of you.
In addition to working together with your husband, you will need to better regulate your emotions and fears. Self-soothing is an incredibly important skill.
You must learn how to manage your strong feelings of fear, mistrust and anxiety. Mindfulness is a very useful strategy. There are many useful apps which you can download and use, such as Calm and Headspace. I encourage you to cultivate a daily practice of mindfulness.
I strongly suggest that you look into holistic therapies too. Is there a naturopath, homeopath and or somatic therapist you can consult?
It is possible that you may be fuelling your own worst nightmare by doubting your husband’s sincerity and love for you.
You sound troubled and insecure. I do encourage you to seek professional help. Please seek out a culturally-sensitive counsellor.
Please perform the Prayer of Need in the last third of the night as often as you can. Beg Allah to help you overcome your fears, and to protect your marriage.
Nourish your connection to Allah, and ask Him for grounding and strength. Please consider enrolling in one of SeekersHub courses, and/or listen to our podcasts and lesson sets. I encourage you to select a course that helps nourish your spirituality, such as Imam Haddad’s Book of Assistance Explained (Part 1).
Affairs do not spring out of nowhere. I encourage you to read these articles to help you nourish your marriage:
Could you brainstorm with your husband and agree with on some strategies to help safeguard for marriage? For example, make an agreement to travel with him if he goes abroad, or interstate. Perhaps agree to go on weekly date nights.
May Allah make things easier for you, your husband, and bless you with a trusting, loving and nourishing marriage.
[Ustadha] Raidah Shah Idil
Checked & Approved by Shaykh Faraz Rabbani
Ustadha Raidah Shah Idil has spent almost two years in Amman, Jordan, where she learned Shafi’i’ fiqh, Arabic, Seerah, Aqeedah, Tasawwuf, Tafsir and Tajweed. She continues to study with her Teachers in Malaysia and online through SeekersHub Global. She graduated with a Psychology and English degree from University of New South Wales, was a volunteer hospital chaplain for 5 years and has completed a Diploma of Counselling from the Australian Institute of Professional Counsellors. She lives in Kuala Lumpur, Malaysia, with her husband, daughter, and mother-in-law.