What Should I Say to a Married Relative Who Expresses Same-Sex Attraction?

Answered by Ustadha Shazia Ahmad

Question

What is the Islamic ruling when an immediate family member expresses same-sex attraction after marrying someone of the opposite sex? How should we respond with compassion while balancing Islamic values and family impact? Should we offer support or maintain distance due to the potential influence and outwardly sinful stance?

Answer

Thank you for your question. Anyone who expresses a sinful desire to you is looking for empathy and guidance. Be empathetic and encouraging and remind them that their Lord is full of grace.

Grace

Abu Huraira reported that Muhammad, the Messenger of Allah (Allah bless him and give him peace), said: “When it occurs to my bondsman that he should do a good deed but he does not do it, record one good to him, but if he puts it into practice, I make an entry of ten good acts in his favour. When it occurs to him to do evil, but he does not commit it, I forgive that. But if he commits it, I record one evil against his name.”

The Messenger of Allah (Allah bless him and give him peace) said, “The angels said: ‘That bondsman of Yours intends to commit evil, though His Lord is more Vigilant than he. Upon this, He said: “Watch him; if he commits (evil), write it against his name, but if he refrains from doing it, write one good deed or him, for he desisted from doing it for My sake.’

The Messenger of Allah said: ‘He who amongst you is good of faith, all his good acts are multiplied from ten to seven hundred times (and are recorded in his name), and all the evils that he commits are recorded as such (i.e. without increase) until he meets Allah.’” [Muslim]

Thoughts

Allah Most High has told us in the Quran, “He knows whatever is in the heavens and the earth. And He knows whatever you conceal and whatever you reveal. For Allah knows best what is ˹hidden˺ in the heart. [Quran, 64:4]

The Messenger of Allah, Allah bless him and give him peace, said, “Indeed Allah has overlooked for my umma the thoughts that their minds say to them as long as they do not act on them or speak about them.” [Bukhari & Muslim]

Your relative is only speaking to you about it for advice and guidance, so they will not be held responsible for seeking help by Allah’s grace. Remind him that although Allah Most High knows what is in their heart,  they will not be taken to account for thoughts that they don’t act upon.

Guidance

Your relative is likely not seeking to end their marriage. Rather, this person is feeling pain, is unsure of himself, and doesn’t know how to channel what they feel. Tell him that he is not a sinner and to do his best in exerting patience, make fervent dua to Allah Most High to help these desires disappear and discard the thoughts of the same gender when they come. Practicing thought control will do much good, and replacing those thoughts with dhikr (remembrance) of Allah will eventually turn the evil thoughts into an act of worship. The Devil will then be ultimately defeated.

Dua

Please say this prophetic dua, and consult local scholars for more advice and tips on conquering this matter.

 اللَّهُمَ حَبَّبْ إِلَيْنَا الْإِيمَانَ وَزَيِّنْهُ فِي قُلُوبِنَا، وَكَرِّهْ إِلَيْنَا الْكُفْرَ وَالْفُسُوقَ وَالْعِصْيَانَ، وَاجْعَلْنَا مِنَ الرَّاشِدِينَ

O Allah, make our faith beloved to us and beautify it in our hearts and make hateful to us disbelief, wickedness and disobedience, and make me of those rightly-guided.

Please see these links as well:

Is It Sinful to Tell My Friend That I Have Same-Sex Attraction for Advice?
Are There Valid Reasons to Reveal Sins?
Can I Confess My Past Sins to My Best Friend for My Mental Health?
Is It Haram to Ask Online About My Sins Because Exposing Them Is Sinful?
What is the Reason for the Prohibition of Homosexuality?
How Should a Man with Same-Sex Attractions Interact with Women?
How Can a Muslim Deal With Homosexual Inclinations?

May Allah give you the best of this world and the next.

[Ustadha] Shazia Ahmad
Checked and Approved by Shaykh Irshaad Sedick