Answered by Ustadha Shazia Ahmad
I’ve been married for ten days, and no proper intercourse has occurred between my husband and me. He avoided me multiple times and asked me not to tell my family as these things take time. I haven’t told my family, hoping that everything will be fine. But how he behaves by showing no interest worries me about whether I’m doing right or destroying my life. When I asked him about good intercourse then, as he couldn’t penetrate, he said he would have to use his finger for the first few times. Please advise me on what I should do. Is everything that normal?
Sister, this sounds like a tricky situation but not entirely uncommon. It can take some time to have full intercourse for various reasons.
Stress or Vaginismus
Stress is one reason; it will be more difficult if you are stressed out and worried, as you sounded in your question. This stress will cause you to tighten your vaginal muscles without even knowing it. Learning to relax is the best thing you can train yourself to do. Breathe, relax your mind and body, and don’t tense up. To know the difference, tense up your whole body, relax, and repeat this cycle so you feel the difference.
An extreme form of this tension is vaginismus. This is a condition involving a muscle spasm in the pelvic floor muscles. It can make it painful, difficult, or impossible to have sexual intercourse, undergo a gynecological exam, and insert a tampon. If your husband continues to be unsuccessful in penetration, you should consult a doctor to figure this out.
Hymen and Lubrication
If the hymen is still intact or too challenging, it will take time to penetrate. There is no problem with using two fingers to ease the process and aid in stretching the hymen. Use lots and lots of lubrication. Suppose you cannot find personal lubricants in your country. In that case, you can use lots of natural ones: petroleum jelly, coconut oil, almond oil, aloe vera gel, avocado oil, baby oil, or even egg whites. The hymen will stretch, thin, and tear immediately or over time.
Don’t Push Him, Stimulate Him
Your husband’s behavior of showing no interest might indicate his lack of self-confidence, embarrassment, or even shame of not having achieved penetration yet. Please support him with kind words and a smile and be playful with him. A light-hearted and kind wife who doesn’t judge him will be vital in solving this problem.
You can do many things in the bedroom to excite him and make him interested. Wear lingerie every night, perfume yourself, wear make-up or high heels if he likes, and dance for or sing to him. Also, remember that you can still bring each other to orgasm using foreplay and oral sex if you are comfortable. If you are patient and kind, I am sure this will be resolved soon, by the grace of Allah.
Please see these links for more information:
What Does Islam Say About the Neglect of the Wife’s Sexual Rights?
Can a Wife Perform Oral Sex on Her Husband? (Shafi’i School)
Which Sexual Practices Are Permissible in Islam?
[Ustadha] Shazia Ahmad
Checked and Approved by Shaykh Faraz Rabbani
Ustadha Shazia Ahmad lived in Damascus, Syria for two years where she studied aqida, fiqh, tajweed, tafsir, and Arabic. She then attended the University of Texas at Austin, where she completed her Masters in Arabic. Afterward, she moved to Amman, Jordan where she studied fiqh, Arabic, and other sciences. She later moved back to Mississauga, Canada, where she lives with her family.