What Should I Do about Abusive Parents Who Abuse Me and My Wife?

Answered by Ustadha Shazia Ahmad

Question

I am a 26-year-old married man, and from a young age, I have been physically beaten by my mother and father, emotionally blackmailed, and treated unfairly. My father would call me an animal, and my mother would show zero love for me. They often emotionally blackmail me, and my mother swears at me and says she hopes I don’t have children and have marriage problems and uses extremely vulgar language. I live with my parents. My mother swears at my wife, accuses her, lies about her, and swears at her parents. My wife remains silent and cries. When I speak up, they say, “Shame on you, you are a rubbish son defending wife over parents“. My wife cooks for them and cleans, but they abuse her.

Answer

Thank you for your question. I empathize with your pain and hurt, and I pray that you find the courage to move out.

Rights

In Islam, each person has the right to live with dignity, free of abuse. You are a victim yourself, and now you have turned your wife into a victim, too. You must move out. There is no choice, you must give her freedom and peace, and you both must heal from this trauma. The Prophet (Allah bless him and give him peace) said, “There should be neither harming nor reciprocating harm.” [Ibn Maja] They will not like it when you move out at first, but they will get used to it, in sha Allah.

If you bring children into this household, they will be damaged and will continue the cycle of abuse in their own homes. Speaking up against your parents doesn’t make you a rubbish son. It makes you a good son and speaker of truth and justice. Staying silent in the face of abuse makes you a rubbish son. It doesn’t matter how they view it. Truth and justice supersedes everything.

Turn to Allah

Ask Allah to facilitate the matter for you. Supplicate at dawn, pray on time, and read some Quran every day. Attempt to learn your religion and apply it as well as you can. Stay away from the haram.

Channel your worries into du`a, as Allah is the Changer of Hearts. Keep your hopes up with this Quranic verse and know that Allah’s promise is true: “And whosoever fears Allah and keeps his duty to Him, He will make a way for him to get out (from every difficulty). And He will provide for him from sources he could never have imagined. And whosoever puts his trust in Allah, then He will suffice him. Verily, Allah will accomplish His purpose. Indeed Allah has set a measure for all things.” [Quran, 65:2-3]

And find solace in that your du`a will be answered: The Prophet, Allah bless him and give him peace, said, “There are three whose supplication is not rejected: The fasting person when he breaks his fast, the just leader, and the supplication of the oppressed person; Allah raises it up above the clouds and opens the gates of heaven to it. And the Lord says: ‘By My might, I shall surely aid you, even if it should be after a while.’” [Tirmidhi]

Please see these tips as well:

• How Should I Handle Abusive Parents?
• How to Deal with Abusive Parents?
• How Should I Deal With Parents Who Abuse Me in Every Manner?
• Rights of Children in Detail
• How Can I Deal with Verbally Abusive Parents without Showing Disrespect?

Ustadha Shazia Ahmad lived in Damascus, Syria, for two years, where she studied aqidah, fiqh, tajweed, tafsir, and Arabic. She then attended the University of Texas at Austin and completed her Master’s in Arabic. Afterward, she moved to Amman, Jordan, where she studied fiqh, Arabic, and other sciences. She later moved back to Mississauga, Canada, where she lives with her family.