Does a Woman Have to Keep Waiting If a Man Keeps Postponing the Nikah Again and Again?
Shafi'i Fiqh
Answered by Shaykh Irshaad Sedick
Question
For a year, a man has told me he wants to marry me, but he has set and canceled the nikah more than six times without any explanation. Now he says he will marry me tomorrow if I can show him proof from the Quran or Sunna that a woman does not have to wait. What is the ruling?
Answer
In the Name of Allah, Most Merciful and Compassionate.
A proposal is not a marriage and does not give anyone marital rights. You are free to end this at any time, and you do not have to wait, give notice, or explain your decision.
The Proof Is Owed by Him, Not by You
He is asking you to prove that a woman does not have to wait, but actually, it should be the other way around. In Sacred Law, no one is required to do something unless there is clear evidence for it. [Suyuti, al-Ashbah wa al-Naza’ir, :] There is nothing in the Quran or Sunna that says a woman must wait for a man who has not married her. The person who says you are obligated must prove it, but he cannot, because you are not.
Proposal is Not a Contract
Until the marriage contract is done, he is still considered a stranger (ajnabi) to you. Scholars say a proposal (khitba) is just a promise, and either person can change their mind, though leaving without a good reason is blameworthy. [Nawawi, Minhaj al-Talibin, :; Shirbini, Mughni al-Muhtaj, :] He has already changed his mind six times.
Sunna to Hasten Marriage
The Prophet (Allah bless him and give him peace) said, “O youth, whoever among you is able to marry, let him marry.” [Bukhari; Muslim] When both people are ready, and a good match is found, the Sunna is to complete the marriage contract, not to delay it for a long time. Allah Most High says: “O believers! Why do you say what you do not do? How despicable it is in the sight of Allah that you say what you do not do!” [Quran, 61:2–3]
Another important rule in Sacred Law is to remove harm. The Prophet (Allah bless him and give him peace) said, “[Let there be] no harm or reciprocation of harm.” [Ibn Maja; Malik] Setting dates and then canceling them at the last minute for a whole year, especially after you have asked for clarity, is clearly harmful.
Principle and Practical Guidance
Ask your guardian (wali) to set one date for the marriage. If that date passes and there is still no marriage contract, consider it finished and trust that Allah will bring you something better, in sha’ Allah.
There are two more things to think about. Spending a year in a close relationship with a man who is not your husband should end now, no matter what he decides. Ending it now will make things easier for you. Also, if he already has a wife and children, he has responsibilities to them. Before marrying someone in this situation, make sure he can be fair and honest with everyone. A man who will not explain why he cancels dates has not shown you these qualities.
And Allah knows best.
[Shaykh] Irshaad Sedick
Related Answers
- Having to Wait for Nikah Guidance on whether a woman must wait for a delayed marriage contract.
- Should I Continue to Wait for a Boy Who Says He Will Propose to Me? Practical advice for women in similar situations of prolonged proposals.
- Can I End an Engagement Because I Am Not Attracted to Him Understanding your right to end a proposal or engagement.
Shaykh Irshaad Sedick was raised in South Africa in a traditional Muslim family. He graduated from Dar al-Ulum al-Arabiyyah al-Islamiyyah in Strand, Western Cape, under the guidance of the late world-renowned scholar Shaykh Taha Karaan (Allah have mercy on him), where he taught.
Shaykh Irshaad received Ijaza from many luminaries of the Islamic world, including Shaykh Taha Karaan, Shaykh Muhammad Awama, Shaykh Muhammad Hasan Hitu, and Mawlana Abdul Hafeez Makki, among others.
He is the author of the text “The Musnad of Ahmad ibn Hanbal: A Hujjah or not?” He has been the Director of the Discover Islam Centre, and for six years, he has been the Khatib of Masjid Ar-Rashideen, Mowbray, Cape Town.
Shaykh Irshaad has fifteen years of teaching experience at some of the leading Islamic institutes in Cape Town). He is currently building an Islamic podcast, education, and media platform called ‘Isnad Academy’ and has completed his Master’s degree in the study of Islam at the University of Johannesburg. He has a keen interest in healthy Prophetic living and fitness.
