Can I End an Engagement Because I Am Not Attracted to Him?

Answered by Shaykh Faraz Rabbani

Question

Is it permissible to end an engagement before marriage because of a lack of attraction? If someone is engaged or pressured to marry without attraction, is remaining unmarried preferable to marrying while still desiring someone else?

Is it acceptable to decline marriage for lack of attraction, with no fear of being alone until death?

Answer

In the Name of Allah, the Most Merciful and Compassionate.

Yes, you may end this engagement. A lack of attraction is a valid and sufficient reason. You are not breaking a contract. You are not sinning. You are under no obligation to marry this man or anyone else.

What is an Engagement, Islamically?

You asked for the ruling, so here it is. An engagement is simply a proposal and a promise. It is not a marriage contract. Ibn Abidin was asked about a case much like yours. A suitor’s agent proposed to a man’s adult daughter before witnesses.

The father agreed, named a dower, and gave conditional consent. The suitor gave some jewelry, which the father had the daughter wear. Then the daughter refused the engagement. Was this allowed? Did the engagement count as a marriage contract?

He answered that, since no valid marriage contract was concluded, the engagement does not count as a marriage contract at all. [Ibn Abidin, Tanqih al-Fatawa al-Hamidiyya]

He gives the same answer when the Fatiha is read without a contract: that alone is not a marriage [ibid.]. So there is nothing here to be released from.

The Engagement is Not Binding, and You Should Not Feel Pressured

No one can force you into marriage. Imam Haskafi states the rule and its reason: “An adult virgin is not compelled to marry, because guardianship is severed by reaching majority” [Haskafi, al-Durr al-Mukhtar]

Ibn Nujaym explains the reason clearly: “because she is free and legally addressed in her own right, so no one else has authority over her” [Ibn Nujaym, al-Nahr al-Faiq]

Mulla Khusraw says it is about consent: an adult virgin “is not married off without her consent” [Mulla Khusraw, Durar al-Hukkam]. If your family says attraction does not matter, that is their opinion. It is not the ruling. The Sacred Law gives you this right.

Your Question and the Question of Attraction

Now to your actual question. Attraction is not a modern indulgence that the Sacred Law merely tolerates. Rather, it is something the Sunna went out of its way to protect.

The Prophet, Allah bless him and give him peace, told al-Mughira ibn Shu’ba, who had proposed to a woman, “Have you looked at her? Then look at her, for that is more likely to bring about lasting affection between you.” [Tirmidhi]

Shah Waliullah al-Dihlawi lays out why: so that the marriage be entered upon sight, so that it be further from the regret that binds a man who plunged into marriage and found her unsuited to him and did not turn back, so that it be easier to remedy if he does decline, and “so that he marry her with longing and eagerness if she suits him.” [Shah Waliullah al-Dihlawi, Hujjat Allah al-Baligha]

Gangohi says the looking was commanded “lest discord and aversion arise” when she turns out to be other than he had pictured. [Gangohi, Kawkab al-Durri] Read that list again: regret, aversion, discord, eagerness. Those are the very things you are trying to avoid, and the Sunna named them first.

Unmarried or Married Without Attraction?

As for whether staying unmarried is better than marrying without attraction, know that our school does not treat marriage as a flat obligation that you are failing to meet.

Imam Ibrahim al-Halabi grades it by your state — “it is obligatory in the case of strong desire, disliked where injustice is feared, and a stressed sunna in the state of moderation.” [Ibrahim al-Halabi, Multaqa al-Abhur]

Imam Haskafi notes that it becomes disliked where wrongdoing is feared, and forbidden where that is certain. [Haskafi, al-Durr al-Mukhtar]

A marriage entered without attraction and under pressure is exactly where the risk of failing in a spouse’s rights arises. So you are not choosing a lesser path by declining. Rather, you are avoiding the very situation these texts warn against.

Let me address the last part you mentioned. Marrying this man while your heart is attached to someone else would be a wrong to him, regardless of the ruling on the engagement.

This is a reason to end it cleanly, not a reason to go through with it. It is also separate from whether you may decline, which you certainly may.

An Engagement Binds Nothing, and Attraction Is Not a Luxury

The governing principle is that no marital tie exists before offer and acceptance. Withdrawing from an engagement breaks no contract and needs no excuse. Mutual attraction is a consideration that our own Sunna moved to protect. It is not a preference to be talked out of.

So end it, and end it well. Tell them clearly, without blame, and promptly rather than at the last moment. Return any gifts given for the marriage. Do this kindly, and you will have wronged no one.

The One who arranged your affairs before you knew of them has not left you to a poorer life for choosing honestly. Choosing honestly now is what will make the marriage you do enter a place where you can fulfill your obligations.

And Allah knows best.

[Shaykh] Faraz Rabbani

Related SeekersGuidance Answers

I Wasn’t Attracted to Someone I Was Speaking to for Marriage. What to Do? — Addresses the same situation from the outset of a marriage conversation, and treats absence of attraction as a legitimate reason not to proceed rather than a fault to be corrected.

Advice on Breaking an Unwanted Marriage Engagement — Practical counsel on ending an engagement one does not want, including that breaking it is permissible but can be sinful if handled without care for the other party.

How to Inform My Parents about Breaking the Engagement? — For the hardest part of this, which is the conversation at home: how to tell family who are invested in the match, and how to hold your position with respect.

Is It Permissible to Keep the Ring and Gifts After a Broken Engagement? — Settles what happens to the ring and gifts once an engagement ends, which is the loose end most people are left holding.

Shaykh Faraz Rabbani is a recognized specialist scholar in the Islamic sciences, having studied under leading scholars from around the world. He is the Founder and Executive Director of SeekersGuidance.

Shaykh Faraz stands as a distinguished figure in Islamic scholarship. His journey in seeking knowledge is marked by dedication and depth. He spent ten years studying under some of the most revered scholars of our times. His initial studies took place in Damascus. He then continued in Amman, Jordan.

In Damascus, he was privileged to learn from the late Shaykh Adib al-Kallas. Shaykh Adib al-Kallas was renowned as the foremost theologian of his time. Shaykh Faraz also studied under Shaykh Hassan al-Hindi in Damascus. Shaykh Hassan is recognized as one of the leading Hanafi jurists of our era.

Upon completing his studies, Shaykh Faraz returned to Canada in 2007. His return marked a new chapter in his service to the community. He founded SeekersGuidance. The organization reflects his commitment to spreading Islamic knowledge. It aims to be reliable, relevant, inspiring, and accessible. This mission addresses both online and on-the-ground needs.

Shaykh Faraz is also an accomplished author. His notable work includes “Absolute Essentials of Islam: Faith, Prayer, and the Path of Salvation According to the Hanafi School.” This book, published by White Thread Press in 2004, is a significant contribution to Islamic literature.

His influence extends beyond his immediate community. Since 2011, Shaykh Faraz has been recognized as one of the 500 most influential Muslims. This recognition comes from the Royal Islamic Strategic Studies Center. It underscores his impact on the global Islamic discourse.

Shaykh Faraz Rabbani’s life and work embody a profound commitment to Islamic scholarship. His teachings continue to enlighten and guide seekers of knowledge worldwide.

 

«النصوص» · Source-Texts

[ابن عابدين، تنقيح الفتاوى الحامدية]
(سئل) فيما إذا خطب وكيل زيد ابنة عمرو البالغة لزيد بمحضر من الناس فأجابه الأب إلى ذلك قائلا أن مهر ابنتي كذا إن رضيت فبها وإلا فلا، فرضي الخاطب ودفع للأب شيئا من الحلي وألبسه لابنته، فلم ترض البنت بالخطبة وردتها، فهل يسوغ لها ذلك ولا تكون الخطبة واقعة موقع عقد النكاح أصلا؟ (الجواب): حيث لم يجر بينهما عقد نكاح شرعي بإيجاب وقبول شرعيين لا تكون الخطبة واقعة موقع عقد النكاح أصلا

[ابن عابدين، تنقيح الفتاوى الحامدية]
(سئل) فيما إذا خطب زيد لابنه الصغير بنت عمرو الصغيرة وقرآ الفاتحة ولم يجر بينهما عقد شرعي، فهل لا يكون مجرد قراءة الفاتحة نكاحا؟ (الجواب): نعم

[إبراهيم الحلبي، ملتقى الأبحر — كتاب النكاح]
هو عقد يرد على ملك المتعة، قصدا. يجب عند التوقان. ويكره عند خوف الجور، ويسن مؤكدا حالة الاعتدال

[الحصكفي، الدر المختار]
ويكون واجبا عند التوقان، فإن تيقن الزنا إلا به فرض، وهذا إن ملك المهر والنفقة وإلا فلا إثم بتركه، ويكون سنة مؤكدة في الأصح فيأثم بتركه ويثاب إن نوى تحصينا وولدا حال الاعتدال، ومكروها لخوف الجور فإن تيقنه حرم ذلك

[الحصكفي، الدر المختار]
ولا تجبر البالغة البكر على النكاح لانقطاع الولاية بالبلوغ

[سراج الدين بن نجيم، النهر الفائق شرح كنز الدقائق]
ولا تجبر بكر بالغة على النكاح لأنها حرة مخاطبة فلا يكون لغيرها عليها ولاية

[منلا خسرو، درر الحكام شرح غرر الأحكام]
لا تجبر بكر بالغة على النكاح، أي لا تنكح بلا رضاها

[الترمذي]
عن المغيرة بن شعبة رضي الله عنه قال: خطبت امرأة فذكرتها لرسول الله صلى الله عليه وسلم، فقال لي: هل نظرت إليها؟ قلت: لا. قال: فانظر إليها فإنه أحرى أن يؤدم بينكما

[شاه ولي الله الدهلوي، حجة الله البالغة]
السبب في استحباب النظر إلى المخطوبة أن يكون التزوج على رؤية، وأن يكون أبعد من الندم الذي يلزمه إن اقتحم في النكاح ولم يوافقه فلم يرده، وأسهل للتلافي إن رد، وأن يكون تزوجها على شوق ونشاط إن وافقه

[الكنكوهي، الكوكب الدري]
فأمره بالنظر إليها لئلا يقع الخلاف والنفار حين يظهر دون ما كان تصورها وتوقعها … فإن الموادمة تؤدي إلى مداومة المحبة والموافقة