How Do I Deal With My Mother’s Negative Istikhara About the Man I Want To Marry?

Answered by Ustadha Shazia Ahmad

Question

I have been talking to a man who seems to be very righteous and is known in my community. We decided to get to know each other for the sake of marriage and we want my parents’ blessings quickly to make it happen. However, my parents refuse due to the fact that he is from another culture and an illegitimate child because his father is a non-Muslim. My mother says her istikhara has shown her negative visions, but I do think her istikhara has been affected by her negative emotions. What should I do?

Answer

Thank you for your question. I am sorry that you aren’t able to convince your mother about this, so far, so you should prepare yourself for anything.

Permission

You need your father’s permission to marry, and it would be much better to have your mother’s as well. Can you speak to your father and try to convince him first?  Ask him to pray istikhara. Can you have them meet one more time, sit down and discuss everything? Can he come over with some members of the community who can vouch for him?

One of Two Ways

Even if your father agrees to re-visit the issue, you must be prepared for this to go either way. You can’t move forward without their permission, and they do have valid grounds to reject someone for lineage. It is normally much wiser to introduce the boy to parents first, before getting to know him for marriage. This way, you don’t get stuck emotionally and you don’t waste time on someone they don’t approve of.

Advice

Please see these answers and apply the tips:
What to Do When My Parents Reject My Choice of Spouse Because of Cultural Reasons?
Why Did My Parents Reject My Potential Suitor?
Parents Rejecting The Man I Love Due To Ethnicity

May Allah give you the best of this world and the next.
[Ustadha] Shazia Ahmad
Checked and Approved by Shaykh Faraz Rabbani

Ustadha Shazia Ahmad lived in Damascus, Syria for two years where she studied aqidah, fiqh, tajweed, tafsir, and Arabic. She then attended the University of Texas at Austin, where she completed her Masters in Arabic. Afterward, she moved to Amman, Jordan where she studied fiqh, Arabic, and other sciences. She later moved back to Mississauga, Canada, where she lives with her family.